“All right. Well, it’s the first thing we’ve agreed on in a very long time.” I didn’t smile or try to soften the blow. The dude was an asshole, and we had a lot of water under the bridge.
He nodded. “I get it. I fucked up with Emerson. I fucked up with Wren. I can’t change the past, but I can change things moving forward, and that’s why I’m here.”
“Why now?” I asked, because I genuinely wanted to know.
“Because Wren is the best person I know. And as hard as it might be for you to believe this, I love her very much.” He fiddled with his keys and blew out a breath. “My family is a mess, and I’m not blaming them for my actions, but it’s just a fact. And then I have this sister who’s a fucking rock star. On top of being a world-class athlete, she’s also humble and kind, and she’s a fierce badass woman who has more confidence in her pinky finger than I do in my entire being. So I’ve spent my life trying to overcompensate for that.”
“So now you’re blaming Wren for you being an asshole?” I hissed, because he’d picked the wrong audience if he thought I was going to feel sorry for him.
“No. I’m trying to figure out why I do the things I do. And it stems from insecurity. Emerson is very similar to Wren, wouldn’t you say?”
“Sure. They’re both very driven, and they know who they are. Both good to their core.” I shrugged, because it was easy to see the similarities.
“Correct. And for a guy who doesn’t know who he is, it’s hard to exist in that shadow. Apparently, my instinct is to fuck things up. I blew it with Emerson, which is something I have to live with.” He held his hands up when I started to interrupt in defense of my cousin. “I know she’s happy, and I’m actually happy for her, Axel. It took me a long time to realize that I’m not the victim in the situation. I caused all of it. And I lost a woman who was far too good for me in the process.”
“I won’t argue that.” I’d never thought he was deserving of her, even when they were young. She always seemed way out of his league to me. But Emerson was loyal to her core, and she’d stayed true to him, even though they’d met in high school and didn’t seem to be growing in the same direction.
“Well, losing Wren isn’t an option. She’s my only sibling, and I need to fix this. Our parents are going through a brutal divorce, and Wren and I need to lean on one another right now.” He scratched his face. “It’s more than that. Wren has always made me want to be better than I am. She’s believed in me when no one else did. She didn’t turn her back on me when Farah and I got caught having an affair, even though she was angry at me. She didn’t leave me. And I’ve done some shitty things over the years, and my sister always stayed. Always believed I could do better. And now, fuck, she won’t even take my calls or speak to me.”
“You blatantly lied to her, Collin. You made up shit that ended up costing us years apart. Hurtful shit,” I added. “And then you sold her horse and acted like you didn’t know where he was. And this is just the stuff that she knows about.”
“I’m clearly not good at covering my tracks, because that is everything, believe it or not. And I swear to you, Axel, it was eating me up that I’d lied about that night that you and I had words. My sister was struggling, and I tried to ignore it, but it was killing me inside because I know I caused it.”
“Yet you didn’t do anything to fix it. For fuck’s sake, you could have just told her that you were mad at the time, and that you lied because you’re an insecure, weak man.” I stood and paced in a circle, because it still pissed me the hell off. “You had so many opportunities to fix things. And you didn’t do shit. You only got caught because you went behind her back again and sold her horse. She chose to come home and figure things out; otherwise, we probably still wouldn’t be fucking speaking. That’s on you, man. It’s sick and twisted and fucked up.”
He blinked up at me a couple of times as I pointed my finger in his face, unable to tamp down my anger now that he was here.
“I know what I did, Axel. I can’t change it. So I can either keep being an asshole, or try to stop it now.” He covered his face with his hands. “I was a jealous prick.”
I sat back down and waited for him to explain.
“My sister, she’s just next level, you know? She’s been working hard since she was a little kid. She never fucks up. She never went off and got drunk. Never took advantage of the fact that we grew up with silver spoons in our mouths. She never gave my parents any hell, at least not until she caught my father having an affair, and he tried to use his power to sway her strong moral compass. And even still, she stayed the course. She did the right thing. I didn’t do that. I knew he had money and power, and I did whatever the hell he wanted me to do. Wren’s not like that.”
“So you punished her? Do you know how fucked up that is?” Anger spewed from me.
“Yes. But in that moment, my world was falling apart. Most people tolerated me because they loved Emerson. And once my affair was the talk of the town, everyone hated me.”
“Except for your sister,” I reminded him. “She was pissed off at you, but she still loved you. She was one of the few who stood by you.”
“Correct. And when I saw you that night, I was drunk, and I saw the disdain on all your faces. And I hated myself as much as you all hated me at that time. So the next morning when I saw Wren, I was extremely hungover.”
“I’ve been hungover plenty of times, Collin. It doesn’t turn you into a fucking liar,” I pointed out.
“I know, but I’m just reliving it.” He shrugged. “When I did what I did, I believe I didn’t want to be alone in my misery. I didn’t want my sister to be happy and in love when I was sad and miserable. Trust me, I know how fucked up that is, because I’ve been digging into this in therapy. I hurt Wren because I was hurting. And apparently, hurt people hurt other people.”
“Pfffttt…” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I knew hurt people did dumb shit, but this was calculated and devious and twisted and fucked up all at the same time. But when I looked up, I actually saw remorse in his eyes, which surprised me. I didn’t know if it was genuine, but for Wren’s sake, I hoped it was. Because I knew that she was hurting about what had happened with her brother. “I guess it’s progress that you’re admitting it.”
“I want to be a better man,” he said, and then he shocked the shit out of me because he leaned forward and started sobbing. And this wasn’t fake. These were from-the-gut, painful sobs. “I’m so sick of being an asshole.”
I moved to sit beside him on the hay and placed a hand on his back. “Everyone is capable of change, Collin. If you really want to change, then start today. Just fucking do it. Not with words, but with actions.”
He nodded and lifted his head, not attempting to even wipe his tear-streaked face. “I postponed my wedding. I told Farah I need to fix my shit before I can marry her. I need to right things with my sister. Right things with myself,” he said as his fist pounded against his chest.
I nodded. “That’s a start. And I’m not going to lie: Wren has been sad about where things stand with you today. I know she wants to fix it.”
“Will you help me, Axel? I don’t know who else to turn to.” He sighed. “Can you just get her to talk to me?”
Was I really going to help the man who had come between Wren and me?
