Alyssa groaned. “I panicked, okay?”
“You panicked,” Lil repeated, her expression softening slightly. “So you went on a date with a perfectly nice guy you have zero interest in because you’re terrified of your feelings for Evelyn?”
“When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous.”
“That’s because it is ridiculous.” Lil shook her head. “I know you, Lyss. I’ve watched you keep everyone at arm’s length for years. But Evelyn? She’s different. And you know it. You’re also freaking out because you’re not used to being in this situation. Evelyn isn’t a fling or a casual hook-up. You want her to be your girlfriend.”
Alyssa wanted to bop Lil on the nose because her mocking tone was unnecessary. Alyssa wouldn’t have been surprised if Lil broke out in a chorus ofAlyssa and Evelyn sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G.
“You’re a child,” Alyssa scoffed, rolling her eyes.
“Yes, but I’m right, aren’t I?” There was that bloody smug grin again.
“Fine, yes, you’re right.”
“C’mon, tell aunty Lil all about it.”
“Ew, don’t speak like that. It’s weird.”
“Alyssa, spill.”
So Alyssa did the mature thing and stuck out her tongue, blowing a raspberry. They both laughed.
But then the laughter faded, and Alyssa felt the weight of it all settle back on her shoulders. She picked at a loose thread on her jeans, not meeting Lil’s eyes.
“It’s stupid,” she started. “I’m not someone who gets scared about commitment. I just…I’ve never wanted it before. It’s never been for me.”
“Because of Four Paws?”
“Yeah. Partly.” Alyssa took a breath. “I’ve been happy with my life, Lil. I enjoy meeting people and having a bit of fun.The centre is my number one priority, and that’s always been enough. More than enough.”
Lil nodded, her expression patient. “But?”
“But Evelyn makes me want things I’ve never wanted before.” The words came out in a rush. “And that terrifies me. What if I get so caught up in her that I lose focus on the sanctuary? What if I start prioritising her over the dogs, over everything I’ve built? Four Paws is my life’s work. It’s who I am. What if falling for someone means I stop being that person?”
“Lyss—”
“And what if it doesn’t work out?” Alyssa continued, the floodgates open now. “What if I let myself fall completely and she realizes I’m too much? Or not enough? I’ve never done this before—the real relationship thing. I don’t know how to need someone like that. What if I’m terrible at it? What if I mess it up and lose her, and then I’m left with nothing but regret and this gaping hole where she used to be?”
She finally looked up at Lil, and her voice dropped to almost a whisper. “I’ve spent my entire adult life being independent. Not needing anyone. And now suddenly I need her, and I don’t know what to do with that. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, and I’m terrified of jumping.”
Lil reached over and squeezed her hand. “So you went out with Josh.”
“Yeah.” Alyssa laughed, but it was hollow. “Because he’s safe. He’s a really nice guy, and I told him as soon as he asked me out I was only looking for casual, and that suited him fine. No expectations. No risk. No falling.”
“No Evelyn,” Lil added gently.
“No Evelyn,” Alyssa agreed, her throat tight. “But the whole time I was sitting there with him, all I could think about was her. About how much I wanted to be with her instead. About how I’d rather be terrified with Evelyn than safe with anyone else.”
“Does Evelyn know that’s what you want with her?”
“I…” Why hadn’t they ever discussed relationships? Hell, they’d talked about everything else, but thinking back, Alyssa couldn’t remember a time when they’d spoken of their love lives in depth. What did that mean?
“Let’s clear a few things up. I want you to have a life, Alyssa. You are the one that puts pressure on yourself to be the wonder woman of Four Paws. We have built a fantastic team, one we both trust. Nothing at all is going to go wrong if you take a tiny step back and focus on something else.”
“But…”
“No buts. It’s a fact. I want you to explore a relationship, Al. You’ve got so much to give, and I’ve seen the way Evelyn looks at you. She’s just as smitten as you.”
