He flipped on his bedroom light as soon as he walked through the door. Ridge immediately turned it off again. Shadow slept soundly in Ridge’s bed. Ridge ran through his nightly routine, even going as far as to brush his teeth with no light but the bathroom nightlight. He had never been more scared Shadow might disappear. Ridge had also never gotten ready for bed faster. He eased into bed next to Shadow, doing his best not to wake him. When Shadow immediately snuggled closer in his sleep, Ridge’s throat swelled. He didn’t know what this move by Shadow meant, but it felt a hell of a lot like they weren’t over. That was more than he had expected. It was everything he hoped.
A warm body stirred beneath him. The familiar sound of Ridge’s heartbeat thumped against his ear. His scent surrounded Shadow. Without an ounce of permission from his brain, Shadow’s hand slid across Ridge’s perfect stomach. He was scared as hell to hope after that kiss. Ridge had said Shadow was his. Did Shadow want that? Truthfully, he had always belonged to Ridge. It was just that he didn’t know how to bridge the gap between them. So much anger and hatred on both their parts had kept them apart for a long time. Ithad taken Shadow much longer than he expected to forgive Ridge.
“You should’ve told me.”
Shadow’s jaw hurt from grinding his teeth. “I promised Rain I wouldn’t. Unlike some people, when I give my word, I keep it.”
Ridge flinched, and Shadow knew his words had hit their mark. Maybe it wasn’t the same. Shadow didn’t know. But Ridge had vowed to love him forever and swore they would marry someday, even if they had to do so in secret. Now look at them. Before Rain’s secret came out, Ridge hadn’t even looked at him since dumping him. Shadow didn’t know how to get past that. He was so fucking angry.
“Do you know the worst part?” Shadow didn’t wait for an answer. “Either you thought I would willingly touch that twisted old man, or you didn’t care if I was willing. I was still dead to you.” There was no way Ridge knew how that realization had eaten at him. He already knew he would love Ridge until the day he died. But Shadow didn’t like him any longer and there was no going back. Ridge had killed something inside him.
“I’m sorry. There’s no excuse. I know that.”
Shadow cocked his head to one side and studied Ridge. All he felt was the same helpless fury he had endured since he watched Ridge walk away.
A sad smile tugged at Shadow’s lips. “It must be nice to be you. You get tosay you’re sorry and it goes away. But I have to live with everything you broke.”
Ridge looked ready to punch him. “Do you really think this isn’t killing me? That it hasn’t always wrecked me?”
Shadow took a breath. It sounded shaky. He hated that. Shadow wanted to feel nothing, but this was something he felt all the way to his soul—the betrayal.
“I don’t want to fight. It’s in the past. You’ve said your apologies. We can get on with our lives.” Shadow tried to walk away. He had ballet rehearsals.
Ridge stepped into his path. “This isn’t over. We’ll never be finished. Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll walk away, but I know you still love me. Something this big doesn’t die.”
Shadow held Ridge’s stare. The hope and pain in his gorgeous eyes nearly took Shadow to his knees. “Then walk away, because you killed the love in me a long time ago.”
It had been a lie. An angry lie. One Shadow hadn’t known how to take back. A new bitterness had grown between them. It had been made so much worse by Zeus. Tracker had been looking for more people like them. He had made it his mission to learn the names of all the spies already launched into society. In Zeus’ case, Tracker’s amazing hacking abilities had met their match. Zeus had turned up at their door, ready to kill whoever had been hunting him to protect his identity. Shadow had taken one look at Zeus and hope had filled his chest for the first time in years. Little had he known caring forZeus would be every bit as heartbreaking. It seemed anyone with Ridge’s face would crush him.
Each time Shadow held Ridge like this, he felt whole. Every time Ridge pretended it didn’t happen broke Shadow a little more. He was scared as hell Ridge would sneak away again, even from his own bed.
“Do you remember the first time we met?”
Shadow smiled at the sound of Ridge’s groggy voice. “You were at our lunch table. I couldn’t look directly at you when walking toward you. It was like staring at the sun. Yet I couldn’t stop my eyes from sliding your way. My body kept moving closer. Then you spoke to me, leaving me with no choice but to meet your stare. I don’t even know whatyou said. All I could hear was the sound of my pulse beating in my ears.”
Ridge’s body shook with laughter. “I accidentally asked you to sit on me instead of with me. You still said yes.”
Shadow’s face hurt from smiling. “It’s no wonder the rumors about our little group spread like wildfire.” They had known they were different. Shadow had known his entire life he liked boys. No one else had known but Rain. Yet somehow, they still found each other. One after the other, their group had gotten larger until they drew too much attention to themselves. All of it felt like a lifetime ago.
“As I recall, I did both.”
Ridge shook harder withlaughter.
Shadow’s throat unexpectedly tightened. “You were the only thing keeping me going in that place. You were the only person who saw me. Saw how they were destroying me with each kill. Now there’s nothing left of me. I’m exactly what they wanted me to be. Without you, I gave up.”
“You didn’t give up. If you had, you wouldn’t be here right now. What they wanted was someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t form attachments. You’re attached to this family. They didn’t want you to have the capacity to love. You didn’t lose that. You love me.”
Despite the seriousness in Ridge’s tone, Shadow laughed. “What I love is how sure you are of yourself.”
“No. It’s not confidence. You tell me in your sleep.”
Shadow’s laughter slipped away. “I’m not always asleep.”
The whispered confession still hung in the air when Shadow’s back hit the mattress. Ridge was on him. His tongue filled Shadow’s mouth. Ridge’s body surrounded him. Heat seared through him. Lust engulfed him while Ridge tore at the small amount of clothes Shadow wore. He felt too much. Shadow was overwhelmed. He hadn’t expected Ridge would touch him again. They were supposed to be over. His heart was even more on fire than his body. All the anger in the world hadn’t killed the desperation inside Shadow to be with Ridge. He wanted time to freeze and leave them in this moment.
“Please.” The whispered plea ripped from Shadow’s soul in betweenkisses. He wouldn’t be whole again until he had Ridge inside him, proving this was real. Shadow still expected Ridge to shove him away and remind him why Ridge hated him. Shadow had done nothing but dig his knife deeper into Ridge’s heart since Ridge tried apologizing. He hadn’t found the line of hurting Ridge enough to make him feel the way Shadow did. Yet Shadow still felt Ridge missing from him every second.
Ridge shifted positions, settling between Shadow’s thighs. “I’m sorry, baby. I don’t have any lube or anything.” He massaged Shadow’s cock.
