Shadow stayed in his head all the way home. He was sick of the drama. More than anything, he was tired of being in love and wanting that love in return. The worst part was, he knew he had it. Shadow just didn’t deserve it. Sometimes, he wished he would wake up with amnesia and meet Ridge again for the first time. He wondered how far they would go if Shadow was someone different.
Every day, he watched Ridge’s love turn a little more toward hatred. While Shadow knew it was for the best, his heart ached. He wanted back all the moments they shared before Ridge had decided Shadow was a monster.
Blood coated Shadow’s clothes and skin. It had somehow gotten into his mouth. God, he just wanted to be clean and for Ridge to hold him. He was more than a little disappointed when he didn’t find Ridge waiting for him in the community shower. It was possible they made him stay longer at the shooting range. Fuck. Of all the days for Ridge not to be here, this was the worst. Or maybe it was for the best, all things considered.
Shadow’s teeth chattered. He locked his back jaw, refusing to think. Shadow knew how quickly and easily he could fall into shock. He couldn’t let that happen. Shadow couldn’t show a hint of weakness. Nothing would get him killed quicker. Under the streaming hot water, Shadow squeezed his eyes shut and tried like hell to keep his mind blank. He didn’t want to see their faces.They had looked at him and saw a child. He saw the fleeting hope in their eyes that maybe Shadow had been there to set them free. He had been. Just not the way they wanted. His throat got tighter by the second. He wasn’t supposed to feel. If he hoped to ever get out of this place, he had to be perfect.
With the blood washed away and his insides shaking, Shadow dried off. He grabbed a fresh robe. Shadow kept his chin up and headed for the room he shared with Rain. Even though Rain was his person, Shadow couldn’t talk to him about this. He couldn’t talk to anyone. If even an overheard whisper of doubts made its way back to the colonel, he was fucked. All he could do was wait to be in Ridge’s arms. That was the only place he was free.
He spotted Ridge heading for his bedroom two doors down from Shadow’s room. Shadow couldn’t yell his name, but he couldn't stop himself from a stage whisper.
“Ridge.”
Shadow watched Ridge’s body stiffen in a way he had only seen when Ridge dealt with superiors. A pit opened in Shadow’s stomach. He had nothing to go by other than his gut. Then Ridge turned and Shadow saw his eyes. They were dead. No warmth or happiness looked back at him. He didn’t even greet Shadow.
Shadow rushed ahead. “Hey. Did they keep you later than usual?”
Ridge’s jaw ticked. “No.”
The yearning chasm inside him widened. “Okay.” He shifted from foot to foot. “I guess I’m just used to you waiting—”
“I saw,” Ridge said, cutting off Shadow.
Had he watched? Please God. He couldn’t know Ridge saw him—what they made him do. “Oh.”
Malicious humor flashed in Ridge’s eyes. “Yeah. Oh. Did you get your nights mixed up? Maybe you just forgot to tell Commander Kuznetsov you had other plans.”
The confusion cleared. Horror set in. He had been grateful as hell for whatever kept Ridge from coming to him last night. Otherwise, they would have been busted for sure. Unfortunately, he couldn’t tell Ridge why the commanderhad been there. Rain had sworn him to secrecy. The commander had threatened him with a death so horrific, even a heartless assassin like him cringed in fear.
He felt sick. “It’s not what you—”
“I listened at the door,” Ridge snapped, cutting him off. “I heard his moans.”
Shadow snapped his teeth together. He loved Ridge, but he also loved Rain. Rain had been degraded and humiliated enough without anyone else knowing. It wasn’t as if anyone had any hopes of stopping it.
He swallowed, fighting back the cries of injustice that choked him. Shadow couldn’t look directly at Ridge any longer. If he denied it, Ridge might believe him and puttwo and two together. With nothing left for it, he gave Ridge a sharp nod. With his shoulders squared, he stepped inside his bedroom and closed the door. He kept his movements measured. Shadow might have just lost everything, but that didn’t mean he had to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing how much they stole from him. It was officially everything.
The driver’s side door opened, making Shadow realize he was home. He had no memory of the drive, nor did know how long he had sat there. Clay went down on his haunches. His hazel eyes looked more than a little concerned. “You good? I knocked on the window a few times before trying the door.”
Had he? Damn. Maybe Shadow would finally slip into complete madness. “Sorry. I guess not getting enough sleepis finally catching up with me.” Even to his ears, Shadow sounded dead.
Clay held out his hand. “Come on. I’ll help you up the stairs.”
Shadow glanced around. He didn’t want to go back to the emptiness of his bedroom.
“Okay. What would you like to do instead?”
Damn. He was so out of it, he hadn’t realized he had said that out loud. “Um. Do you like to dance?”
A bright smile lit Clay’s face. He was a handsome guy. Clay looked friendly too. “I don’t know how to dance, so it’s not really a matter of not liking it.”
“Get in. Let’s go to the dance studio. Today can be your first lesson.
“Um.” Clay let out a nervous laugh. “Are you sure you should be driving?”
Shadow felt lighter by the second. “We’re not even leaving the property. Don’t be a chickenshit.”
Clay’s smile somehow got even brighter. “Chickenshit in that accent is actually funny as fuck.” He straightened. “All right.” Clay closed Shadow’s door and circled the car. He jumped into the passenger seat. As if extra proving he wasn’t scared, he didn’t put on his seatbelt.
