I stiffened slightly but otherwise I kept my expression carefully blank. “Hey.”
She watched TJ, a small smile played on her lips as if his very existence brought her joy. She didn’t speak and we watched in not-quite-companionable silence for a few minutes before she finally found her words. “I knew he was Trav’s as soon as I saw him,” she began with a wistful smile. “Looks just like him when he was a kid. I wasn’t around when he was TJ’s age but when he was that young, our mom was still trying to be a mom, so she took pictures and shit.”
Falcon had mentioned briefly that his parents hadn’t been in the picture for most of his and Raven’s childhood but that was all the details I’d gotten. I listened to Raven speak, unsure if I was supposed to say anything in response.
“You can’t leave,” she said out of the blue. I assumed this was the real reason she approached me with bitch-mode deactivated.
Here we go again,I thought and turned to face Falcon’s sister. “I have to. I can’t put all of these people in danger just to try and save myself, which isn’t guaranteed with the way the Russians are ramping things up.”
Raven sighed, nodding. “I get it, but the Steel Demons are in this fight now. Those fucking Russians with the car bomb and last night they shot up the MC night club, Leather & Chrome, this shit is personal now.”
I blinked. “A shooting?”
“Yeah,” she nodded, waving a dismissive hand in the air. “They paid some teen wannabes to spray the place with bullets. A few scratches and scrapes from ricochets but nobody was hurt. That’s not the point.”
“Really because it kind of seems like the point to me. This is exactly why I have to go. That wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t here, if the club wasn’t protecting me.” I shook my head, frustrated that no one seemed to understand or care. “I don’t want TJ or any of you caught in the middle, no matter how much you don’t want me here.”
Raven snorted in response. “That’s bullshit and you know it.” She held up her hands. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that’s all part of why you feel you have to go, but I also think you’re running because you’re afraid.”
“Of course I’m afraid,” I shouted back. “I have a delusional ex promising he can make all my problems go away and angry Russian mobsters after me.
“Nah,” she shook her head. “That ain’t it. You’re afraid of Trav and this life,” she motioned around to the clubhouse where bikers in their leather vests and patches laughed together, some cuddled with their women while others gathered in small groups playing cards, or shooting the shit. “Afraid that this could be the real thing even though it looks nothing like you thought it would.” Her smile made her look younger and more naïve than the cynic she pretended to be.
I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “You think you have me all figured out don’t you Raven?”
She shrugged, her arrogance on full display.
My smile dimmed and I turned back to watch TJ roll a ball for Chopper to chase. “I was falling for Falcon before I left. We’d only known each other for two weeks but it was the best two weeks of my life. He showed me what my relationships had been missing. I was reticent about his life, of course I was, but only because he was in constant danger, at least that’s how it seemed to me, but I wasn’t scared enough to stay away. I would’ve tried. I wanted to try but my life was a mess back then. I was getting blamed for a patient’s death, and my ex was hounding me to get back with him,” I shook my head. “It was too much, and I couldn’t add more to his plate.” The MC had been on the brink of war back then and I couldn’t be another source of stress for him.
Raven studied my profile for a long time before she let out a heavy breath. I felt her smile before I turned to face her. “Holy shit.”
My brows dipped. “What?”
“You’re telling the truth. You’re in love with my brother.”
I shook my head. “I was headed there back then until my life imploded. Now I can only love TJ, enough to leave him here.”
“You’re a bad fucking liar,” Raven huffed, shaking her head. “But even if you believe that, you’re wrong. You have to stay, not just for Trav but for TJ.”
I opened my mouth to make the same old argument that was starting to sound like bullshit even to my ears.
“I know you want him safe, but he won’t understand that. He’ll just know that you left him and by the time he does understand, it won’t matter. He’ll have spent years building up walls around him, never getting too close to anyone because he’swaiting for them to abandon him. Just like his mom did.” She hit me with a pointed gaze that told me more about her than all the words she’s spoken since I arrived at the clubhouse. “He’s a really sweet kid, Vivian, and I think we all want him to stay that way.” She stood, went to TJ, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head before she walked away.
Raven’s words stuck with me long after she left, which I was sure was her intention. They’d gotten stuck on a loop in my mind, forcing me to reconsider everything. I was so focused on TJ’s physical safety that I’d overlooked his emotional well-being. He would be out of reach of the Russians, but my absence would leave him with a whole host of issues that wouldn’t improve his quality of life.
Staying might be best for TJ but what about my heart? Falcon and I reconnected sexually but would he actually want more? Even back then, I never got the impression he was the settling down type, he was just caught up in the bubble we’d created. The bubble that never got the chance to exist in the real world.
Staying wouldn’t be for him, I told myself. If I stayed it would be because that was what’s best for TJ.
No other reason.
“Mama,” TJ called out just as Chopper returned with the green ball in his mouth, getting up on stubby back legs to hand the ball to my little boy. TJ giggled as the wet ball slid down his body and Chopper licked his face.
He’s happy here.
“Hey.” I didn’t have to look up because I knew that deep, slightly gravelly voice anywhere. I heard it in my dreams for the past three years.
“Hey. You okay?”
