They both laughed like I’d said something funny. I was being dead serious but that was okay. Maybe I’d been unexpectedly funny. A noise caught my attention and Phoenix came in. After leaning his skateboard against the wall, he walked over to us and sat on the floor next to me, putting his head in my lap. Dina smiled at him, and he gave her one back.
After a second, Rosalind started reading, and I gently petted Phoenix’s soft brown hair. He hadn’t said anything. Maybe he just wanted to listen.
“But we are going. Maybe my good breeding keeps me from really telling them how much I hate their mother. Frankly I’m not sure what they would do. At least they have no intention of moving back. I’m not sure I could tolerate it. Sure, we all pretend to be fine when we’re down there, but we really aren’t. That other side of the lake. They hate us. I knew it when we visited, but I said nothing. Not even in here. They hate us. They are as much in the Life as the rest of us, and that isn’t going away. I think distance is all that can keep us safe. That kind of hate? It always needs an outlet. Of that I am sure. But I had better finish up here. There is an actual war waging in this world not just the one in my head. D.L.”
Rosalind looked up, and I followed her gaze. Dina had fallen asleep. In a quick moment, the boys’ mother wiped at her eyes. “She was right. So right.” With a sad smile she handed me backthe book. “I love that you have them. I know you’re typing them up. But hold on to the journals, too, okay? If you don’t want to, I will keep them. They are a treasure.”
They really were. Phoenix rose quietly and kissed his granny’s cheek. “If you’re still up for it and want to go to Sam’s, we should do that now.”
I was. Yes, that sounded like a good idea. “Rosalind, I would love any help you can give with the Monks.”
She seemed to brighten with that. “How about lunch tomorrow? We never did have lunch.”
“Tomorrow is therapy. Next day?”
She nodded, fast. “Next day.”
Phoenix grabbed his skateboard and led me from the house. I still held onto her journal. “I need to take this back to the house.” I wouldn’t risk anything happening to it, ever.
We walked together. The wind, having picked up when I was inside, blew at my head, and I put the knit cap back on. It was cold but beautiful. Jeremy had given me my phone, and I had it in my jacket pocket. I pulled it out. He’d stored everyone’s numbers in it. His entire family. And one additional—Sally’s. He had that from when she called him back.
I quickly typed out a text.Wherever you are, I hope it is beautiful. I then took a picture of the lake. It really was pretty. Serene, even in this cold weather.
I went back inside and set down the journal on the table by the door. Upstairs, I could hear the maids working. That was maybe the first time in the course of my time with the Lents that I had ever heard them.
It took just a few seconds and then I met Phoenix back outside. He held up a helmet he must have pulled from somewhere, and he put it on my head. I grinned. “Well, that is one way to cover my hair.”
“Not funny.” He kissed my lips firmly. “No, this is to keep you safe. Jump on the back.” Phoenix indicated his skateboard. We’d done this several times now.
I noticed he wasn’t wearing a helmet. “You need a helmet.”
“I have exactly one. I need to buy one. For now, your brain is more important than mine. Hold on.”
I would have argued with that, but when I stepped onto his board, he took off almost instantly. The driveway was a little bit of a hill. And we flew down it, the wind hitting us like we were flying. I shrieked.
12
Sam lived just next door but Phoenix took the long route, winding us in and out of the roads, never quite getting to the house. I held on tight and eventually, down the driveway to where I presumed we were going because Barrett’s Jeep was on the driveway, we stopped. I was frozen but so happy. Almost exhilarated.
“Did you pick me because you felt you had to. I mean, I know you love me now. I know you do. And you know how I love you. I am not in doubt of it. But at first? Did you take me because you thought you had to because you had fallen for my brothers?”
I stared at him, his words not registering for a second. Then they did. He had wanted to have a serious conversation. This was it. “No, of course not. I fell for you the second you threatened that PI. And then more so when you fell asleep and put your head on my lap. You snored. Oh my gosh, did you snore. You don’t now. Very quiet. But you hadn’t slept in who knew when and you did right there on my lap in the limo. Snored. Like you had just been waiting for my lap to sleep on forever.” I couldn’t close my mouth and stop talking. It was probably too much. But Phoenix had asked. “And you have always been this mix ofstrong and vulnerable. So tough sometimes. So capable and then so soft inside, at least with me. Like maybe you need me too. And, Phoenix, even when you were out of it all of the time, you are so smart. Like you know so many things. I am in awe of you. Did I choose you by default? No. Absolutely not. Even if I had met you all by yourself, I would have chosen you. I’d have had a huge crush on you and never spoken to you because that is what I was doing.”
“Fuck.” He kissed me. Again and again and again. He had really been worried on this topic. I held on and let him. It was almost like a reclaiming, like he could do that now that he was able to let go of this worry he had that plagued him.
“Hey, I know it’s easy to get lost in her lips but we’re all inside visiting and it’s a little weird without you.” Jeremy called down the driveway and Phoenix stopped, breathing hard.
He rubbed his thumb over my cheek. “I have an addictive personality. That will not come as a surprise to you. And I need your love more than I have ever needed anything. I don’t care if my level of obsession for you is unhealthy. Okay? I just do.” He whispered in my ear. “I am soft inside. Love you.”
We walked up the driveway together, Phoenix holding his board under his arm. When we reached Jeremy, he kissed me, quickly. “I mean, I can’t blame him for taking the chance to make out with you. I would have done the same.”
There were two homes up the driveway, like the Lents had. Was that normal for around the lake? I supposed I was going to find out. Samuel’s family’s homes stood with a kind of elegance against the soft afternoon light. I hated to think it because it felt disloyal, but they were nicer than the Lents’ houses. I’d just think it. I would never, ever say it.
The first house had a broad front porch, its white railings framed the doors. The shutters were neatly aligned beside eachwindow, painted a deep green that contrasted beautifully with the light brick exterior.
The bigger house was slightly taller, its windows reflecting the golden glow of the sun on the lake. The trees lining the street swayed slightly in the breeze, their branches casting long shadows over the sidewalk in the winter light.
Maybe it wasn’t that it was prettier than the Lents’ homes. Maybe it was just more readily lived in. There was a sort of coldness to the Lents’ house here that hadn’t been true in the Hamptons and was certainly not true in New York City. Or maybe I was projecting. I was good at that.
