DL
“Hey,”Phoenix said with a small smile, catching my attention. “It’s two in the morning.”
Was it? I glanced around. Barrett and Jeremy had plopped down beside me after our walk, which had stretched on for some time after they agreed to my plan. I wanted to read just a little bit more. Now they were both asleep on the couch. Jeremy wasn’t snoring. Perhaps that was why I didn’t notice.
I rubbed my eyes. “Find the owner of that phone?”
“No, it’s well hidden.”
That was not surprising. I’d talk to him about it in the morning. I touched Jeremy’s face and he roused quickly. “What’s going on?”
“Bed. Upstairs.”
He nodded before he rose and hugged Phoenix. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen Phoenix so surprised, but still half-asleep, Jeremy stumbled away and up the stairs, presumably to make his way to my bedroom. Barrett was so great about always waking me up gently or carrying me around. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do the same for him.
I kissed his cheek. “Let’s go sleep upstairs.”
He sort of nodded but didn’t move. Phoenix grinned. “Am I this hard to wake?”
“Yes.” I grinned back. “Come on, Barrett. Up. We’ll go to warm beds.”
Finally, he sat up and without really saying anything walked upstairs. Phoenix chased after him. “I don’t want him to fall.”
That was probably smart. I turned off the light in the living room and set the alarm by the door. We were about to potentially poke a bear. I didn’t want it catching us unaware.
By the time I got to the room, they had all taken their spots. Jeremy was on the bed with Julian while Barrett and Phoenix were on the other one. It was quiet. Dark. This was my happyplace. The way that they breathed. The way that room felt full with them in it.
I stood in the door and stared at them. Dina loved her husbands. She worked with them. Obviously at some point she had gotten pregnant and had a family with them. And she had lived for two decades without them.
The thought almost brought me to my knees. I’d lived four months and I didn’t want to go a day more.
None of them were awake. Even Phoenix had seemed to go right to bed. I stepped into the room and stopped. In the back of my mind, I could feel the way the air had felt sticky in the place where I had been held.
My first nights I had been in solitary. Drugged. Sick. Crying. Oh wow. I took some deep breaths. I wasn’t there now. I was here. But… that was still there. I wiped at the tears silently leaving my eyes.
I was going to die there, and I’d had no idea because I was a big fucking dumbass.
I sank to the floor, my back to one of the dressers and pressed my face to my knees. This was my safe place, but my stomach was cramping. It hurt. But that was okay because everything hurt. No that wasn’t true. I tried to breathe again. Why was it so hard sometimes just to do that? Dina was dying. Tears rushed, silent. At least I wouldn’t wake them with my freakout. My mother had died and now Dina was going to. My father before any of them. I couldn’t remember him. The girls were all going to die. They were so alive. Maybe some of them were dead.
My mind raced and my chest hurt. I just stayed like that. Why wouldn’t it stop?
“Alatheia.” Jules’ voice reached me, and I lifted my head. “What are you doing down here, Baby?” He wasn’t whispering but he was quiet. “Was I keeping you up?”
I put my head in my hands. “Didn’t make it to bed. Can’t make my head stop.”
“Oh, I see.”
There was light from the window. Early morning light but it was there. I had never been to bed. How much time had passed? He took off my shoes and laid me next to him on the bed between him and the still-sleeping Jeremy.
He pulled me against his chest. “I don’t know if this will help or not, but if you’re going through it, then I am going through it with you.”
That was really sweet. His heartbeat was steady. Actually, it did help. I tried to match my breath to his as he ran his hands through my hair. I didn’t know if he was going to want to talk. But, I was just done. Listening to his heartbeat, I finally managed to shut off my mind as the day ended.
“Shit.” Phoenix’s voice woke me. His voice sounded rough. “Guys, it’s two in the afternoon. I slept like twelve hours.”
“You did.” Julian squeezed me. “But she was still up at six having a panic attack. I would have been okay with her sleeping all day.”
He might have been, but I wasn’t.
