A nurse comes in a little while later to explain thejoysof impending menopause—hot flashes, anxiety, fatigue, sweating—all side effects of the hysterectomy. I’ll be starting hormone replacement therapy with daily tablets to trick my body into believing it’s not already fifty.
Basically, I now have the body of a middle-aged woman.
How appealing for Colt.
I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse, but when she leaves, I do.
This is too much for him.
He shouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit.
He’s young, successful, and at the height of his career. He shouldn’t be worrying about how broken I’ve become.
Colt sits with me, holding my hand as I stare blankly at the hormone therapy brochure, unable even to process the words on the goddamn page.
How did my life turn to this?
“Baby, what can I do? You look miserable,” he whispers, caressing my cheek.
I don’t look up. “I am miserable.”
Colt exhales, long and hard. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Colt—”
“It ismy fault!” he snaps, eyes red and glassy. “I let your hand go. If I hadn’t, if I’d just held on tighter…”
He’s breaking, and I hate it.
I hate that he’s carrying this weight when he doesn’t have to.
“You didn’t do this,” I say firmly, tightening my grip on his hand. “It was an accident. I let go too. If you want to blamesomeone, blame the fucking fans who shoved me into traffic. But don’t you dare blame yourself.”
He shakes his head, tormented. “If we hadn’t gone to the concert… if I hadn’t been so desperate to get you back to the hotel… if I wasn’t so fucking f-famous…” his voice cracks, “… you wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed, miserable and broken. I’m no good for you, Dee.”
Panic spikes in my chest.
No.
Not this.
Not now.
“Don’t you dare, Colt.” My voice is sharp, shaking. “You made me better. Youaregood for me. I wouldn’t have made it through this without you. Don’t eventhinkabout leaving me. We know what happened last time we tried that, and it nearly destroyed us both.”
His head lifts quickly, eyes wide. “No, baby. I’m not leaving. I’mneverleaving. I didn’t mean it like that. I just…fuck me! I feel so goddamn guilty. I hate that this has happened to you. To us. If things had been different—”
“Colt, stop,” I say, cutting him off. “If you weren’t who you are, we probably never would’ve met. And I would have lived a half-life. I was no one before you. Just a boring, lifeless daddy’s girl, completely lost in who she was. Completely clueless. You make me whole. We make each other better. So, no morewhat-ifs. This is our life now. Yeah, it sucks, but we face it together. That’s all that matters.”
He stares at me like I’ve just saved him. His eyes soften, brimming with everything he’s feeling but can’t say.
I don’t want to cry again, so I’m holding it in, but barely. I need to be strong for him. I need him to believe I’m okay, even if I’m not.
Colt leans forward, brushing his lips gently against mine. His kiss is soft, careful as if I might break. But even the lightest touch from him sends a shiver through me.
“I love you,” he whispers against my lips.
“I know. I love you too.”
