But ... this sophistry did not relieve her either. She had dodged a bullet by shoving a bystander in its path. She’d become every bit as low as the most skinflint reprobate of lower London.
Tears slipped down her cheeks unheeded, and Anne grew genuinely alarmed. “Has Mr. Belvedere further imposed on you? He has not asked you for anything else?—”
“No, no,” Sophia said, trying to hold in her tears.
“Then, my dear…”
“It is only that—when my husband died last year—I thought I might recover. He was not a very good man. It’s terrible, but I felt like a prisoner whose irons are struck off. But no—” she laughed drearily—“the dog returns to its vomit.”
“I am sorry you suffered, but this is only a minor setback,notproof of anything worse. Sometimes flogging oneself is not humility, it is only an excess that has neither sense nor truth in it.” She pressed Sophia’s hand. “I’m speaking firmly, but I have confidence you can rise above this.”
“I think I squandered my chance to rise above some years ago. I wish I had met someone like you while I was in school.”
“I know how lonely and desperate it can be at that age. Is that when you met your late husband? You must have been very young.”
“I was—but it was my own fault. I ran away from school.” This was not the crime that sheshouldconfess, the one that was burning a hole in her soul even now and threatening to get an innocent man—or at least, amostlyinnocent man—hanged. But there was a relief in making a clean breast of anything to Mrs. Wentworth. “I was angry and lonely there—you can guess why, if you have guessed my parentage at all.”
Anne nodded gently.
“I was always one of the Marston brats, and even more despised than my brothers because I was Lady Marston’s, not Sir Mark’s—” She broke off at the look on Anne’s face. “Oh, I’ve shocked you. I thought you guessed—never mind.”
“I am shocked, although Caroline did say—Forgive me. While I view breaking marriage vows as a grievous crime, none of that was your fault. Why don’t you tell me the rest? I think it will relieve your mind.”
“There is not much more to tell. I was sent to school, and I was miserable there, for such things become known. I ran away thinking—you will laugh—that I might make it on the stage.”
Anne did not laugh. Sophia could hardly stop herself now, caught in the strange momentum of confession. “I ran away to London with my tiny savings, and you can imagine how quickly I fell into abject squalor. I—lived with Jem, which I knew was wrong, but I was still so desperate and so defiant. He was a thief, but still dashing—Oh, I was foolish and stupid, but he was not the worst of men. He did marry me when he might just as well have thrown me out.”
Anne made a small noise, whether of shock or commiseration, Sophia could not say. “My life was probably what you think it ... but when he died, and Lady Marston contacted me, I thought perhaps I could forget it all. And Sir Mark has been very decent, really. I wasn’t well-acquainted with him until recently.”
“I’m so sorry, Sophia. I wish that you’d had someone to look after you then.”
“I’ve really emptied the pitcher over you, haven’t I? And I don’t know why except that—you have a very kind face, did you know?” She wiped her eyes with the handkerchief Anne gave her. “You must be shocked beyond reason. I am no better than a light-skirt, a trollop—I’m fallen, wicked, ill-bred?—”
Sophia pulled her hand from Anne’s, but Anne took it again. “I am not thinking any of those things. It sounds as if you have already been amply punished for any errors you made as a girl, and it is to your credit that you wanted to return to a life of honest work and respectability.”
But that’s just what Sophia hadnotquite done. Whether she would have told Anne the whole truth, trusting that somehow Anne would help, Sophia never found out. Lady Marston opened the door abruptly.
She stepped into the room and her eyes flashed over Sophia. “You’ve been very silly, haven’t you?”
“Don’t berate her now, ma’am,” Anne said. “She feels her error keenly, I promise you.”
“Hmph. She ought to, but whether shedoes?—”
Anne rose. “I think it would be best if she slept for a while. Her nerves are overset.”
This was true, but Lady Marston was a bracing influence on Sophia. Her tears dried up on their own and her trembling grew still. “I’m fine now.”
“I shall let her sleep,” Lady Marston said, “but I need to have a word first. Please give us a moment.”
“I will go away, of course, but come with me, ma’am. She may really make herself ill if she continues in this state.”
“Mrs. Wentworth, do you make me insist?”
“I’m sure the ship’s surgeon would agree, I’ll send someone to fetch him?—”
“You can go,” Sophia said to Anne. “I appreciate your concern, but I am perfectly capable again. I will speak with Lady Marston and then rest, as you said.”
“If you’re sure…” Anne was still reluctant, and Sophia regretted pouring out her sad story. Pity was nice for a moment, but mostly it caused problems. Sophia reiterated that she was well enough now, and Anne went away.
