“Never, Mama,” he sucked up. “You’re beautiful as always.”
“But maybe I should go for something that can give me an edge. You know, something fresh with a little side of spunk. After all, I’m not getting any younger. And your father, bless his heart, has been dead for over five years. Maybe it’s time for me to find someone new to grease the wheels.”
“Mama!” I shouted, choking down the vomit rising in my throat.
“What? I can’t get pregnant, so I’m not in the same boat as you.”
“She’s right,” Brody winked at me. “So, about this fella?—”
“You know him!” I shouted. “You grew up with him!”
“Right, but that doesn’t mean I can just pretend he’ll do right byyou. I think it’s about time he and I sit down and have a man-to-man talk.”
“You will do no such thing!”
“That’s a lovely idea,” Mama said at the same time.
Glaring at my brother, I thought of all the ways I could bury his body by the weekend. “Don’t you have something better to do?”
“Like what, Piglet?”
“Like, find a woman of your own? I hear Josie is still single.”
His cheeks flushed red at the mention of his high school crush. “Well, I’d have to check my schedule. I’m very busy.”
“Not many people get stranded on a mountain in the middle of summer.”
“Oh, you’d be surprised how many hikers get lost and need a strong, sexy man to rescue them.”
“Better hurry. She won’t wait around forever,” I winked. “And who knows, if you’re lucky, we could plan a double wedding.”
He narrowed his eyes at me as Mama gasped excitedly, followed by a squeal that killed my eardrums.
“Oh, just think of that. A double wedding! Of course, it would save on the cost, but that doesn’t matter. Not when two kids would be married and making babies!”
“Babies?” I startled, the color draining from my face.
“Why, yes! You’re not going to get married and just live alone for the rest of your life. You need kids so that when you’re older, you can blame all of life’s problems on them. It’s a tradition,” she chuckled.
“No babies,” Brody said, slashing his hand through the air as the clear state of panic filling his features took over. “There will never be any babies.”
“Oh, you know you want them,” I teased. “Little, sticky fingers touching your face and all those cute baby farts that turn out to be tiny turds in a diaper.”
His pallor turned a shade of putrid green at the thought. My brother never did come around to the idea of having kids. I never understood it with our happy childhoods, but some men just didn’t like the idea, I guess.
“I think I need to sit down.”
“Well, don’t sit down for long,” Mama scolded. “You came over here to help me.”
“You came to help her do her hair?” I questioned.
Mama waved off my confused tone. “Don’t be silly. He came to help me move some things out of the guest bedroom. Billie’s coming home tomorrow.”
“She is? When did this happen?”
“Since she graduated college, dear. She won’t have any money to get an apartment until she starts teaching.”
“Did you run this past her?”
