“About?”
I hate how she keeps twisting this back so that I’m the one doing the talking.“About us?”
Her chin dips.Her eyes are bright and knowing when she looks back up.“Maybe one or two things, but I’m guessing you’re not much in the mood to talk about those right now.”
I’m not desperate to, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.On the other hand, I’ve more space in my schedule to talk about them than I have for chat about what exactly happened in that bathroom with Adam.Fact: I don’t want to relive those moments.Fact: I’m going to, night after night, most likely for years.
“I’m sorry I’ve been a dick to you,” I say, because I owe her that apology, even if I’m not ready to bare my soul about anything else.In any case, I want her companionship.The night doesn’t seem nearly so dark with her sitting nearby.
She gives a sharp little sniff, and then shoots me a quick smile.“It’s pretty much what I expected of you.”
Great, so I have a reputation for being a prick.That makes me feel so much better.I bow my head again and turn away from her to watch the rain slide over the filthy cobbles.
“I didn’t mean that quite how it came out.”She reaches out and strokes the skin right above my collar.It tickles when she brushes the fine hairs there.“What I mean is that you don’t know the whole picture.I didn’t want to be assigned to you the night of the gala dinner, but Howard didn’t want to put any of the guys in your path.He figured with your reputation for turning—”
“Yeah, yeah,” I interrupt her, not needing to hear about how I supposedly corrupt straight guys, and turn nice family men into screaming queens.“I’ve never fucked anyone who wasn’t wholly on board with that.”
“I didn’t say otherwise.I said Howard didn’t want to assign one of the guys to you, so I got handed the task.”
“I get it.You didn’t want to be saddled with a prick for the night either.”
She presses on my shoulder until I reluctantly turn to face her.“Wrong.”She rests a hand upon my knee for balance, as she turns herself about in order to lower her bottom onto the low step, so that we’re sitting side by side.“I didn’t want my heart getting pummelled.It hurt enough when I learned you were gay.Dylan, I’ve had a stupid crush on you for as long as I can remember.I didn’t want to be assigned to you because I didn’t want to follow you around like a forlorn puppy for the night, knowing that you were completely unattainable.Even if you weren’t gay that would have been awkward.”
The idea of her mooning over me tickles my slumbering sense of humour.There wasn’t a single smidgen of affection in her when I think back over our first meeting.She threatened to freeze me solid with her polar stare.The disconnect between reality and what she claims tugs at the edges of my mouth, and drags out my smile.“So you were a bitch because you were hot for me?And I guess you were doubly pissed off to walk in and find out I was shagging somebody?”
“It wasn’t the best foot for us to start off on, but I was determined to be professional.That’s all I had to fall back on.”
“And was it still professionalism driving you when you decided to give me a handjob in the car park while there was a crazy shooter on the loose?”
She gives me a sly glance.There’s a touch of pink across the ridges of her cheekbones.She’s not proud of that moment, but nor I think would she do anything differently given the time back.“I’d ascertained that you weren’t at immediate risk, and my timely distraction helped you deal with the trauma.”
Yeah, there’s no denying it shunted my attention in a very particular, non-gun-related, direction.Actually, Kira Carter-Wells might be the biggest distraction my world has ever known.“What now?”I ask.
Her shoulders hunch together.“With regards to Adam, or us?Both of those things kind of depend on you.I hope you’ve sense enough to cooperate with the police to lock Adam away, as for us… I saw your reaction after the earful you got from that kid in the ho—”
“You heard that?”
“Dylan, it’s my job to look out for you.Of course I heard it.”
“You knew I was going to leave when I asked Johns to take us to All Stars HQ.”
She delicately nods.“Having a girlfriend doesn’t feature anywhere in your life plan.You identify as gay, and there’s no reason why you’d ever choose to step outside of the nice cocoon you’ve created for yourself within that community.I get it Dylan.We’re not meant to be.We never were, which is not to say I didn’t hope, or that I wasn’t hurt, or that I haven’t spent an ungodly amount of time cursing you.”
“You cursed me?”
“A lot.”
“Spilled actual tears?”
She casts me some serious side-eye, whereupon I raise both brows quizzically.I know I’m not really helping matters, but part of me needs to know all the facts to better quantify exactly what our relationship entailed.
“Maybe a few,” she eventually confesses.“But that’s my problem to deal with.Like I said, I knew what I was getting into.I knew you weren’t for keeps, and that the best I could hope for were a few good memories.”It’s hard to hear the resignation in her voice.She’s already decided we’re over.“Dylan, I know we can never be more than two people who fucked as a sort of experiment.”
Is that the truth?I honestly don’t know.Maybe we could be something more than that.Maybe in a parallel universe we are so much more than that.It’s odd knowing that it’s my choices keeping us apart, and at the same time sitting quietly and allowing the inevitable to happen.
She’s right, we can’t be.I can’t be the man she needs me to be.It’s just not that easy to change your spots.
I stand, and stick my head out into the rain, using the deluge to mask the hot tears rolling down my cheeks.
