“We have health and safety and other legal issues, so you need to apply to him and fill in lots of paperwork. You’ve left it rather late for this weekend. But you can put in an application for future events.”
Nora is not an idiot; she knows a dead end when she sees one. Giving me an injured look, she swivels on her heels and walks away.
“Thank you,” I tell Haneen.
“You looked like a rabbit in headlights.”
“A rabbit in front of a firing squad, more like.”
My relief is short-lived because from where we stand I can see Nora make a beeline for Osian. He’s chatting to someone, but when Nora approaches, they move a few feet away from the crowd and talk almost in whispers. After a moment he looks up and his eyes find me. The expression on his face tells me he’s uncomfortable.
I don’t believe it! She’s complaining about me. Actually, I can easily believe it – what I don’t understand is why he’s giving her airtime at all. Yes, she does have a habit of cornering people, but can’t he just tell her he doesn’t want to hear anything against me?
A soft hand on my elbow makes me jump. I look around and meet Haneen’s eyes, full of sympathy and understanding.
“Can I make a suggestion?” she asks quietly.
Surely she can’t guess my thoughts. A quick look around us, but no one is close enough to hear. I make sure my private feelings are behind strong walls so they don’t show on my face.
“Once not so long ago, I did what you’re doing now. Pretended. And I can promise you it doesn’t work.” Her soothing voice and her kindness slip in through tiny cracks in my walls. “So if you want my advice, speak up,” she says. “Ask for what you want. Honour your own needs by voicing them.”
Without meaning to, I find myself answering honestly.
“You can’t always ask.” It’s not what Osian wants. He’s already made his feelings clear. “I mean, what if what I say ends up upsetting someone else?”
She makes a ‘so what?’ face. “What if it upsets them? Why are you responsible for other people’s feelings?” Then she shakes her head very slowly. “Never, Evie sweetheart, never put yourself second.”
She gives me a hug full of love and kindness before walking back to the group.
I stay where she left me. By now, I’m not in a party mood. Maybe honouring my needs starts here, by not putting on my camera-friendly face and going to socialise.
I stay here and stare out of the window as the sun slowly sinks to the horizon and the few scattered clouds gradually turn gold and orange. The water in the pond reflects the sunset; next week, after the Easter test run, I’m planting water mint. It’s not only an edible herb, but it’s native to the region and will attract bees and butterflies. Which reminds me: I wanted to place seats near the pond, but not benches – something that looks natural, like logs and large smooth rocks. I want people to—
“Hi,” Osian says from right by my ear. “What has you so absorbed? You didn’t even see me walk up to you.”
Every time he sneaks up on me, I feel like I’m on a swaying boat in the middle of the sea. He’s too close; I can smell his faint aftershave, feel the warmth radiating from him, and I’m so aware of where his hands are and how easily they might catch me, I swear my body begins to sway into him. Mentally, I reach out and grab a handrail to steady myself; the handrail happens to be Haneen’s advice.
“I don’t want Nora in my garden. Not as a helper, not as a gardener and not as a guide. Sorry, but I’m not responsible for solving her housing problems.”
There! That felt good.
“I know,” he says.
“Then why did you tell her to ask me?”
“I didn’t.”
“She said you did.” I remember the way she went back to report to him, the grim look on his face. “And I saw her talking to you earlier.”
“That was something else.” He looks away for a minute then says, “For what it’s worth, I think she’d like to be your friend.”
“Whatever her reasons for wanting to stay here, they most definitely are not because she wants to be my friend. I’m just a stepping stone.” Then I decide to risk it because why the heck not: “A stepping stone to you.”
He doesn’t say anything but his steady gaze on me doesn’t waver. Not a hint of surprise. So perhaps he’s not clueless after all.
Well, here goes. I mean, since we’re riding the wave of honesty… “Are you sleeping with her?”
This time surprise registers on his face. “Evie! No. Of course not. I told you before I wouldn’t. What kind of man do you think I am?”
