He kisses me again. The same way.
I’m too stunned to react.
“It just took me time.”
“And Kirsten?”Instantly I bite my lip. Too late.
It’s the worst possible thing to say, but Kirsten has stood between us for so long that I can’t help seeing her even here in the three inches of air between me and him. He must read the worry in my eyes because he pulls me into a hard hug and holds me for a long time.
Finally, he releases me. “Is there somewhere to sit in this temporary house of yours?”
Without a word, I turn towards my sitting room. It has one sofa – a very old and soft two-seater.
“Whoa!” Osian yelps when he sits and sinks almost down to the floor.
Because he still has hold of my hand, I tumble down into his lap and he keeps me there.
I’m trying really hard not to give in to this because I don’t know what he’s going to say, but for now it feels too nice in his lap. Something I’d imagined so many times.
“Kirsten—” he says quietly, “—will always be my first love. I loved her with that clarity that comes from being twenty and having no reason to doubt. And that twenty-year-old boy will always love her. He can never love anyone else. You know why?” He holds my gaze.
I shake my head, bracing myself for a painful answer.
“Because he’s not here anymore. He will always exist in that vanished time. I never understood it until I overheard Shirley talking to Llewellyn. She asked him why he ever loved Nora, and he said it wasn’t him but a different man. He said he’d grown and changed with time and that new him didn’t have the same feelings and needs. It made me think.” He cups the top of my arm; his hand feels just as warm and strong as I remember it.
“It took me ages to face the truth. Yes, I had loved Kirsten, but we were so young. We were so focussed. Tennis didn’t leave us any time to be together. Who knows if we were even compatible in real life? Would our relationship have survived? We’ll never know. Like the seeds that got mixed up. One of myPerllansopened everything into the same big jar. Who knows what’ll grow when we plant them, or if they’ll germinate at all. I don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter.”
Osian’s hand sweeps down my back and curls around my waist.
“You are right about the Meinir legend, because while she was locked into a hollow tree, Rhys wasted his life looking for her. And me…” Osian squeezes me closer to him. “When you came...”
He pauses and I hold my breath.
“I started to have feelings for you and that made me guilty. I don’t know if you noticed how hard I tried to push you away. Every time we got close, I panicked and stepped back.”
“Yes, I remember. You were always blowing hot and cold.”
“I’m sorry.” He moves his hand up to my hair, combing it over and over with his fingers. “It felt like I was being unfaithfulto her, but that’s where I was wrong. I wasn’t unfaithful. The younger Osian will always be hers.”
God, what a lot of words and still he doesn’t say what I need to hear.
“But I did something. I planted her favourite flower. A white and red peony, a special hybrid. And I called it the Santa Fe, which was where we had our wedding. I grew five of them in five little pots. And when they were strong enough, I gave them away, each one to a different family who visited the gardens. It was my goodbye to Kirsten, but also to that young man who loved her. I thought it would hurt, you know, to see the last one go. But what I felt was release. I felt open and new.”
Now he’s said this I can see it in his face. He does look… free and open, and he’s smiling. Not a huge smile, just a simple, natural and easy smile. As if he’s come out from under a huge weight.
His eyes dance right to left as if he too is studying my face.
“So,” I say carefully because I don’t want to jump the gun. He just said it takes him longer to work out emotions. “If you feel renewed, what comes next?”
He leans over and presses another one of his single kisses on my lips. “You really need to ask me that?”
“Yes.”
He shifts me on his lap so we’re facing each other. “Evie, look me in the eye. Do you really not know?”
I swallow with difficulty. “Don’t do this. Please. Don’t make me guess. You owe me more than that.”
Pain flashes across his face, melting his gaze. “Yes, I do owe you. I owe you so much more than words.” He closes his eyes and draws in a long breath. “I’m in love with you. Only you. There’s no one else. I have loved you for months and months. Since that first time I watched you look at a dead garden and see a dream. And everything after that just made me love you more. And, Evie, when you went away, I missed you harder than I ever missed anyone or anything else.” Then he opens his eyes. “I love you so much. Please come back with me because I don’t want to live without you. It’d be like being trapped inside an oak tree.”
