“Yes, you’re right. Sorry.”
“Why?” Shirley asks as she extracts a slim cigarette.
“It’s like doctor, dentist, scientist, lawyer. The term should be neutral,” I explain, because this is a subject close to my heart. “If you create a special word for women in these professions, then when you say doctor, people imagine only a man.”
Shirley lights her cigarette and draws on it deeply, an expression of bliss on her face. “You know, you should talk to Vanessa; she’s the radical feminist here.”
Vanessa. Smooth silver hair in a neat twist. We’d had that discussion about date rape and women’s right to change their minds. The day after Osian changed his mind about sleeping with me.
And just like that, the temporary good mood crumbles like one of the half-eaten Jammie Dodgers.
These are nice women who’ve come to keep me company, yet I can’t think of one thing to say. Leonie must sense my mood because she just sits beside me, quietly companionable.
Finally, it’s Shirley who breaks the silence. “When’s Osian coming back?”
The worst question.
“No idea.”
“No?” She looks sceptical.
“He doesn’t tell me his plans.” I can’t stop the note of irritation. At the question and how it forces me to admit how marginal I seem to be to Osian’s decisions.
The two women exchange a look, then Leonie turns to me.
“You can tell us to mind our business, but you can also talk to us. Promise it won’t go further. Have you two had a fight or something?”
I try for a bright voice. “Nothing like that. He’s just gone to see his sister. I think we both needed a break after Easter.”
“So what’s going on?” she asks, very gently.
“Nothing.”
Shirley pins me with a sharp stare. “You seem very upset over this nothing.”
Suddenly I don’t have the strength to even lie. I drop the pistachio dodger onto the plate. “Itisnothing. That’s what’s upsetting me. Nothing is going on. He doesn’t… there’s nothing there.” I pick up the paper cup and gulp down coffee, filling my mouth to stop more words coming out.
“You know we’re not supposed to gossip,” Leonie says. “I mean, Haneen comes down pretty hard on anyone for that. But this is fairly common knowledge. We all thought you two were having a thing and just didn’t want to announce it to the whole community.”
“No. He doesn’t want me.”
Shirley lays a hand over mine. “Is that what you think, my lovely? That he doesn’t like you? Because you couldn’t be more wrong.” She glances towards Leonie, as if asking her to agree.
“Evie, since you came here, he’s a changed man. He never used to smile. But whenever your name comes up, he gets this faraway look and smiles to himself. His face lights up when you come into a room.”
Like a little girl, I want to question them. When, how, where? And are they sure?
But they don’t know everything. “I don’t know. We are very good friends. He may even like me. Sometimes it feels like it could be more.” The memory of his warm breath when he whispered things to me at the lecture. The feel of my hand in his when he led me to meet the charity people. “But I don’t think he wants to take it further,” I tell them.
Shirley narrows her eyes. “I see. He’s been blowing hot and cold, has he?” Her voice is almost businesslike; she could be bargaining with an estate agent. “And you’re too scared to pin him down and tell him to stop messing you about.”
Is that what I am? Too scared?
She doesn’t wait for my answer. “No, you’re too scared. You treat him like a precious sparrow.” She extends a finger out slowly, as if for a bird to land on. “Gently, gently! Don’t frighten him or he’ll fly away.” She drops her hand. “Don’t you?”
Probably.
Wordlessly, I stare at my hands in my lap.
