My heart refuses to believe him.
“They can’t. You have plans here. It’s only ten days till Christmas, surely they can wait.”
His eyes tell me what I already know. Film schedule is king, and everyone must obey. “They’ve booked me on a flight from Heathrow tomorrow.”
I’m too much in shock I don’t really take it in. Raff is better, quicker on the uptake. He holds me until my heart and mind catch-up, then he takes my face between his two hands. “Can you do me a favour?”
I stare deep into his eyes and wait for him to ask.
“Can you go to The Glyn tomorrow and say goodbye to everyone for me. I have to leave very early in the morning. Can you tell them…” he thinks for a minute “You know what I’d have said, what I mean.” He blows a frustrated breath.
It’s the clearest sign he feels as thrown by this sudden change of plans as I do.
“Just give them my love and wish them a merry Christmas.” Then as if he remembers something. “Oh and promise me you won’t drop the Christmas plans. The dinner. Make it a truly amazing day.”
It’s the last thing on my mind. And impossible. “How can I do it without you?”
“You don’t need me, I can’t cook. You’re the one doing everything anyway.”
“But I need…” It takes a huge effort to gather up the scattered bits of my mind and focus. “But when you're behind me, it’s easier. Even when I did the cream tea, you were there encouraging me, offering to drive everyone over.”
“I’m sure you can talk Alex or Evan or anyone else to drive them over.”
“But it’s not just the Christmas dinner. There was so much. We were going to do the games and you were going to decorate the tree. How can I do all that alone?”
“Because there is nothing you can’t do if only you let yourself.”
His faith in me makes it hurt so much more that I’m losing him.
Where will he be?
Who will love him when he’s away in the desert. Alone in his trailer trying to stay off the bad stuff.
“Raff?” I stroke his skin, lay my head on his hot chest.
When I don’t go on, he asks, “What?”
“Can I ask you something?”
He chuckles, silently. I can’t see him but feel the laughter in his chest under my cheek. “You want to know what I’m thinking? Isn’t that the question all women ask in bed?”
He’s trying to make me laugh, but I’m too scared. After a minute he senses me. “What do you want to ask?”
Keeping my eyes on his chest, on the delicate hairs that trail down from his belly button. “I want to…erm…about the…erm…”
“The drugs? The addiction?” He guesses.
Of all things in the world I’m going to miss the way he can read my mind.
“Of course, you can ask,” he says softly.
“What happened? I mean you said you were in a bad place.”
He takes a moment before starting. “The thing you need to know about addiction is that it’s not the problem, it’s kind of the solution, at least it starts that way. Like drinking sea water when you’re thirsty. It’s a solution, just not a very good one, and if you keep it up it becomes the bigger problem.”
He shifts up in my bed and piles a pillow behind his head so he’s slightly raised. I move off his chest to lie on my side.
“The best way I can explain why someone becomes an addict is that you don’t deal with life the right way. It starts with all the garbage you carry from childhood. I wasn’t popular at school.”
