New Year’s Eve
Walking down the lane, I stop in front of Blue Catch, in the same spot I stood more than a year ago. The blue shutters look pretty in the stone exterior, the orange-glow hedge against the fence. The grass has been trimmed around the stone path leading up to the front door. The climbing roses trail over the garden swing and frames the windows. Clearly, Doris has been working hard because the flowerbeds are well kept and tidy, waiting for spring.
It took a lot longer than I expected to be able to manage this holiday. We normally get a few days off here and there but nothing long enough to come here. And what I want to do will take more than a weekend.
Philomena Hill, the at the Lady Isobel Centre jumped at the idea of setting up a music therapy centre. So, I’m here to work out the finer details. My idea is to set up something small and wait to see if it takes off. Lessa always said they had links to an organisation in England that sent them women who needed to ‘hide.’ Perhaps if music therapy works here, we could use it as a springboard to hold similar workshops elsewhere.
I’m also relieved to have a break from the awkward atmosphere at theConcertgebouw. Janey has made it very clear that she’s hurt and pointedly walks out of every room as soon as I walk in. She’s also developed a talent for dropping snide comments and barbed double-entendres in front of others.
You see? That’s why I never had long relationships, to avoid messy breakups.
But Liam did want me to allow myself to experience pain, so I put up with Janey. To be honest, it’s not that hard, nothing compared to teaching myself not to think about Lessa.
I insert my key into the door and open it. Almost instantly that scent of wood and forest hits me. The smell that has always meant ‘home’.
Blue Catch is clean and tidy, exactly as we left it. At the time, I was so sure I wouldn’t come back. I told Lessa it was hers. But that was when I thought she might change her mind. Not anymore. Last time I allowed myself to check the papers, there was an article about the two of them being seen increasingly together. I’m happy for her. She deserves her happy ending.
The kitchen warms up quickly once I start the Aga. Half an hour later, my things un packed in my bedroom, I come down and put the kettle on to make a hot drink. I’ll need a trip to the village for some groceries. For now, no milk, so it’ll have to be black coffee.
The kitchen cupboards still have coloured sheets, the lists of things we needed to do.
Which reminds me.
I take out the envelope in my pocket and unfold Liam’s list.
One – Take over my cottage, make it yours anyway you like and live here…
Done. Blue Catch became my home and now nothing else lives up to it, not even 5-Star Hotels.
Two – Try a different job. I know you love your career but try something else for at least a year.
That one eluded me for a long time, but I think the music therapy workshops might be a side-line for much longer than a year.
Three – Do something to help someone in trouble. And, no, I don’t mean give money to charity. Give your time, a little part of your life.
I hope the old lady at her birthday party last month agrees. I hope there will be many more in future. There’s something very rewarding about helping others, feeling like you’ve made a difference to someone’s life even for a day.
Four – Take a vow of celibacy for at least one whole year.
A smile tugs at my mouth, mocking, sarcastic, painful and funny. I’m still celibate, ‘nough said!
Five - Make a gift for someone who will not know it’s a gift, nor be able to thank you.
I’m not going to answer this. I don’t allow myself to think about them. They got their happy ending. Nothing more to say.
Six - Help someone do something they thought impossible or out of their reach.
Making Doris laugh. That’s worth everything.
Seven - Allow yourself to feel pain.
I think anyone who’s witnessed the tension around the musicians’ lounge the last month, Janey’s constant digs and remarks, will agree that I have more than allowed myself to feel pain. I take it, I don’t retaliate. And yes, it’s bloody painful; a year ago I’d have put a stop to it, or left the job
Eight - Change your diet, your eating habits. Trust me, this will make sense
Yes, it only made sense after I moved to Amsterdam. It was never about being vegan or macrobiotic. It’s the cooking at home for someone like me who used to eat out all the time.
Nine – Meet a young woman who doesn’t want to sleep with you and become her best friend.
