After a while, she asks softly. “Brand?”
I love it when she calls me that.
“Yes?”
“That night, last April when you were in Amsterdam. If I hadn’t gone into premature labour, if Adam hadn’t called you, what would have happened between you and her?”
Her.
Lessa has the same difficulty saying Janey’s name as I’ve always had saying Clive’s. Which tells me how she feels.
But I’m waffling inside my own head, trying not to answer the question. The pause is answer enough.
“I thought so.” Lessa says in a difficult voice.
“It was my fault.” I rush to explain, to justify. “I should have gone back to my hotel earlier. Because even walking through the little streets, I knew she expected the night to end as…as it usually did in the past. It really messed with my head how quickly it all came back. The old habits, the automatic assumptions. As if my old life had been waiting in the freezer and it took less than forty-eight hours for it to defrost and claim me back. So, when I go…”
I reach for Lessa’s hand “IfI go.” I press her hand up against my chest and she lets me. “I’ll have to be careful and very clear with everyone. So there are no misunderstandings. Because you’re the one I want. And I want it to be serious, not casual.”
“I know,” she says. “We could set up a life together, and it would be wonderful. But for how long? You just told me how easy it was for the old life to claim you back. When you’re out there, in the glittering world of music and all that, are you sure you wouldn’t miss that fun with no strings?”
I open my mouth to deny it, but she doesn’t let me.
“Don’t answer. I just want you to think about it. Are you really, really certain inside your own heart that you wouldn’t miss that life eventually?”
I don’t want to think about this. Christ, how I don’t want to think about it. But the thoughts come anyway. I’ve never been a man to turn down a night of passion. Earlier, if Lessa had let me, I’d have made love to her right here, on the grass. Liam or no Liam.
She was right that not even a deathbed request would stop me.
Which means what?
If I can’t commit to my brother’s list, would I commit to Lessa and Malinara? Long term? Am I sure?
“Nothing has happened between us, here.” She drags me back from my thoughts. “We can go our separate ways with the minimum of pain.”
She shifts to angle her body, so she can face me properly. The swing rocks for a moment then steadies.
“But if we try for a relationship and later break up–”
“Stop.” I push my feet on the floor and get up. It takes a few minutes to calm by breathing, so I walk to the edge of the garden, the start of the forest of deadly pricks. Then I walk back, and it feels like miles and miles.
I have spent a lifetime avoiding pain. How can I cause it?
“Lessa.” I sit down. “You mean so much to me, you and that beautiful, sweet little girl, the last thing I want to do is risk hurting you both.”
She understands.
We hold hands and watch the sky. The stars that are so beautiful.
“I can give you the house. Stay here and make a happy life with Malinara.”
“And what happens when you want to come here?”
“I can stay in the guest bedroom.”
“With your new girlfriend?” She asks softly. “No, Brand. We can’t do that, and I’m not going to take your brother’s house. If we go our separate ways, it has to be a clean break.”
“I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”
