She opens her mouth then closes it.
Janey. Of course. Neither of us need to say it out loud, not after Clive’s poisonous insinuations.
“Janey is a sort of ex,” I explain. “I only…saw her…” My voice hesitates and I think she understands all too well what the word ‘saw’ means. “A few times. When we happened to be in the same city. All my relationships were casual like that.”
It’s not a lie, but I’m being economical with the truth. Lessa must hear the unspoken words, but she waits for me to be honest.
“When I went up for the audition, we met for dinner,justa dinner, nothing more, I assumed. I walked her home, and when she asked me in for a night cap, it seemed unnecessarily cold to refuse. But nothing happened.”
“So, why is she…” Lessa stops herself asking what I think she wants to ask: why was I talking to Janey when Clive saw me in the pub, why did she ring again later when Lessa took the call.
“I think Janey expects things between us to go on as before. I didn’t say no to her as clearly as I should have. To be honest, I now realise that I’m rubbish at breaking up with women. In the past, it’s usually been circumstance that did the breaking up for me, so I never learned how to have the difficult conversation.”
“So?” she asks in a very small voice. There’s clear apprehension in her eyes.
“It’s over. I don’t want to be with her ever again. There’s nothing there.”
I take Lessa’s hand, more firmly this time, and lace my fingers through hers. Her blue eyes darken, and she suddenly draws in an audible shaky breath.
I know these signals. Ten months of celibacy haven’t ruined my radar about this kind of thing.
Chapter Forty-two
Lessa
Brandon draws me into his side again. Every time I pulled away from him, it felt like tearing a piece of my heart. This time I don’t resist.
“Stay here. Stay with me.”
My heart hammers. It would be the easiest thing to fall into him now. Our faces are an inch apart.
But something holds me back. Doubt, fear, the scary size of my feelings for him that needs better proof. A guarantee before jumping off the cliff.
I try for a joke. “I can’t accuse you of forgetting your brother’s wishes and then make you forget them in the same afternoon.”
“Lessa.” His voice is rough with need. It makes my whole body heat up. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”
The wrong word.
Want. Not love.
I’m being unfair. Not everyone is good with words, especially not Brandon. And not in the heat of the moment. But it’s enough to slow me down, enough for my caution to take the wheel and steer me back to reality.
He doesn’t give up; he can see how much I want him, too. His hands slide along my arms and my back, pulling me to him. “Don’t be afraid.” he whispers.
“What happens next?”
“Whatever you want?” He has me tight against his body, his cheek against mine.
“I mean next week, next month.”
He stops.
“What happens next year?”
He drops his forehead on my shoulder. I brush my fingers through his hair. Nothing has happened, but we’re both breathing hard.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” He speaks into my shoulder.
