No playlist was going to stop her hearing his voice in her own head.We need to talk.
What did he want to say?
There was nothing to say because they hadn’t done anything; they had pulled back. No one could blame them.
She closed her eyes, trying to convince herself, but it didn’t work, and she opened them again. Only a hypocrite would pretend they had nothing to feel guilty about.
They had come near as dammit to kissing and it had nothing to do with the book or the joy of success. That kiss had been coming a long time, as far back as that spring afternoon on the harbour wall three years ago. Had Liam not knocked on the door, they would have lost themselves. She could still feel his breath on her lips. He’d been so close she could almost taste him…
“There’s a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants,” Selena Gomez sang on as Pierre’s mind was busy running different scenarios and imaginary conversations. Sleepless hours later, the many possibilities filtered into three distinct directions.
One. He would say it was a mistake; he didn’t cheat. He was going to ask Nicole to forgive him, or he wouldn’t tell her at all. Either way, he would apologise to Pierre for giving her the wrong impression.
There was no reason on earth why she had to put herself through this kind of humiliation. Much better to avoid that conversation.
Two. He had feelings for her and wanted to see where that went. He would break his rules and cheat because he couldn’t stay away from her. He wanted to kiss her passionately.
It took her a little time to drag her mind away from the memory of his hands in her hair. His smell. His strong heartbeat under her hand. All the things she hadn’t taken any notice of at the time but which somehow her traitorous memory had saved to tantalise her with now.
What would she say if he wanted more? Hadn’t she promised herself after the Martin fiasco that she would never, ever again get involved with a man who wasn’t a 100% available?
The problem was that such a promise was easy to make when she was coming out of a bad relationship, much harder to refuse temptation when it was in front of her. To say no to him, to never feel his hands in her hair, the tickle of his smooth beard on her cheeks, the crush of his body against hers.
The truth, the honest truth, was that she didn’t know if she could say no.
Which meant days of sneaking around, of feeling ashamed and guilty. Days of swallowing the pain of seeing Nicole have first claim on his time, grabbing his face in her hands. Of hearing them on the other side of the wall.
Weeks of waiting for him to choose her. Hoping he didn’t go to America to that shining new life.
Even imagining this scenario cut her to shreds.
No.
Better to not even risk it. If that was what he wanted to say, then it was far better to avoid such a talk. If he needed to explore his feelings, better he did that on his own.
Which left the third possibility.
That he had already made the decision and wanted to break up with Nicole for her.
This time, it took much longer to beat back the sweetness of this picture. To calm the butterflies inside her, the heat and light that flared up all over her body and made her mind turn cartwheels.
She turned on her side, hugging the spare cushion to her heart as longing flooded her. A longing so fierce, it almost drove her to go looking for him right now, to throw herself into his strong arms.
Eventually, she managed to breathe through the impulse, to stop and restart her mind like unplugging a computer then re-plugging it in to restore clear thinking.
What would happen to Nicole if he broke off their engagement?
How would she go on with the wedding organisation despite a broken heart? They were ten days from the big day. Lord M was in hospital recovering from an operation, and he had asked her to stay away from Gabriel to avoid exactly that possible disaster.
Although…a way around that would be to keep their decision a secret until after the wedding. It would be selfish and deceitful and a million other bad things, but it could be done. So, why did this possibility worry her?
She waited for the nagging thing at the back of her mind to come forward. Then it did, and it was a big scary problem.
Gabriel and his fast decision.
She knew him too well to believe he could go back on a serious decision like marriage on the strength of what...an almost-kiss?
Again, it took her a minute to push away the memory of his mouth on her jaw. The soft groan he’d made in his throat, the heat of his breath on her skin.
