She was walking up the stairs to their room and he was on her heels.
“Because I’m a coward,” he said, laughing.
She turned on him. “Don’t be cute. This isn’t a time for jokes. What’s the real reason?”
He’d never seen her this serious before. “Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You don’t know what can or will hurt me,” she said. “The knowledge of that wouldn’t have hurt me if you’d told me in advance. Being caught off guard with a lot of eyes on me did. And to find out on the heels of your declaration of love makes me doubt your sincerity. Like did you say it then so I’d have it fresh in my head if the news came out tonight?”
“No! If I thought you’d find out tonight, I would have told you myself. The two have nothing to do with each other. Why would you even think that?”
“I don’t know, Rowan,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “You always tiptoe around sensitive subjects. You give in and never want to argue or fight. You even admitted that to me before.”
“Not all the time,” he said. “Don’t go there. I let you buy things all the time when I don’t want that.”
She rolled her eyes. “We aren’t going down the money route again. But answer me this, why do you let me do it if you don’t want to?”
He felt as if there was a trapdoor at his feet just waiting to open up and drop him. “Because I don’t want you to get mad if I say no all the time.”
She pointed her finger. “There it is. The truth. You don’t do or say what you want because you are more worried I might decide to leave or think this isn’t right for me. Right? Say it!”
“Fine! I felt that way. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to want to make sure you’re happy here. Most women would love a man that cared enough and put them first like that.”
“I’m not most women. We know that. There is so much about me that is different, it’s not even funny.”
“Don’t go there,” he said. “Don’t do that to yourself. You always knock yourself down when there is no reason.”
“You know nothing about it,” she said.
“I do. Your grandmother told me. She told me everything your sister did to you and fed in your head when you were younger. That you feared finding anyone that could accept you and your health issues. Which by the way, they aren’t health issues. You’ve got a condition that requires a few more steps in life than the rest of us. Do you think you’re alone? Because you’re not.”
“I know I’m not,” she said. “I’ve spent my life trying to get other people to see that. But it’s tiring. And sometimes it’s easier to hide my devices so I don’t have to explain or get looks. To feel normal. It’s not a bad thing for me to want that peace once in a while.”
He never thought of it that way.
“I get it. I see it. You don’t have to force it with me. I think I’ve been very clear that none of it bothers me.”
“It doesn’t,” she said, sitting on the bed. “But now I have to wonder if you do that on purpose. You know, to make it easier for me to stay.”
“I can’t win,” he said. “Yep, I do everything to make it easier for you because I love you and don’t want you to leave. One hasnothingto do with the other. I’m not babying you. I’m not pitying you. I care about your well-being and want you to know you don’t have to do it alone. I think you’re so used to having to do it by yourself that you can’t accept help.”
She stared at him. He was pacing around his bedroom. He hated being worked up, but he was pissed off that he could have prevented this and messed up.
How many times in his life did he have to listen to arguing, fighting, and drama growing up? Like his brother Foster, he wanted some peace and maybe it rubbed off on him to do those things as a preventive mechanism as an adult rather than owning up to the fact life was full of controversy.
“I’m sorry if I don’t have people in my life that have helped me.”
“Don’t do that,” he said. “You have your grandmother and you know it.”
“A lot of help she did by telling you all those things,” she snapped.
“I wanted to know those things about you!” he yelled back. “You never share it.”
“Because it’s embarrassing. And hurtful. I don’t want to remember them or live it again. I worked hard to get away from it. Why do you think I left?”
“You left for the same reason I did.”
“Please,” she said, waving her hands. “Your family is great. No one in your family would consider doing to you what my sister did to me. I’ve talked to your mother a few times. She’d never allow it.”
