“Oh, hi!” he began, his voice in falsetto. “Remember me? I came to Milwaukee to fuck you for money, because I thought you were the most beautiful person I’d ever seen, but I didn’t know you were just a kid. Hey, you don’t mind that I shot the guy who was attacking you, right? And, oh, yeah, can we hang out?”
His voice dropped back to his normal register and he almost whispered, “I was afraid you’d get scared and leave and I’d lose you.”
I glared at him for a moment, but the knowledge that he was right extinguished my anger like a wet blanket. If I’d known, I probablywouldhave gotten back on a plane and gone back to Seattle, never to be seen again.
“You’re right,” I began, but was unwilling to unconditionally grant the point. “But you should have letmemake that choice, Lee. I’ve had so many choices taken away from me, and you took another one.”
He winced as I spoke, and I knew my words had hurt. Dammit, he deserved them! Lee dropped his head into his hands, and I could see his shoulders shake. I knew this time it wasn’t from laughter.
“I’m so sorry, Mason. Not just for you, but for the others. The ones before you, I mean,” he said, looking up at me, eyes red and swollen, tears streaking his face. “There hasn’t been anyone since.”
I sighed and handed him a tissue.
“Well, at least you admit it,” I said, my tone exasperated.
He blew his nose, then looked at me, his eyes suspicious.
“…Admit, what, exactly? Did you just record my confession or something?” I saw him brace himself and realized that he very likely could have been arrested and charged with the murder.
“Nah, you admit that I’m beautiful,” I teased gently. My attempt at humor only earned me a ghost of a smile.
I sat there for a few minutes, mulling over all he had shared with me.
“I… I understand,” I said, finally, then sighed. “Or at least, I’m trying to.”
I remembered the pictures from the event Lee mentioned had been on the web posting he’d seen. I knew I’d looked a hell of a lot older than eighteen in them, which had kind of been the point. The tux had been a gift from a wealthy customer of Ricky’s, a state representative who had wanted me at the event as arm candy.
Ricky had insisted on the pictures and been so proud of how they had turned out, because he was trying to convince Drey to break into a higher level of clientele, more escort than whore. I just remembered when I put the suit on how fake it all felt. Completely unreal.
“It’s just… it’s alot, Lee,” I sighed. “Y’know? It was the best and worst time of my life. Worst, because my uncle was trying to kill me. Best, because he died, instead of me. It just so happens to have been you who killed him. Ithoughtthe Universe was fucking with me before. Now Iknowit is.”
He nodded. His green eyes dark. The emotions that had been rampaging through him marched across his face. I saw anger, fear, resignation.
“I understand, and I’msosorry, Mason. I should have told you the moment I realized who you were. I… I was a coward,” he said bitterly.
I laughed. I couldn’t help it, then waited for him to smile as well at the joke. He was probably the bravest man I’d ever met in my life and he thought he was a coward? Hehadto be joking.
“What?” He snapped peevishly, his face tight. “I’m glad this amuses you.”
“You’re joking, right?” I asked as I continued, searching his face. “Imean, you are soobviouslynot a coward. I know a lot of up close and personal when it comes to fear. You are about as far from a coward as it gets.”
I didn’t spot the expected humor in his face. God, could he really think himself a coward? The pained look that crossed his face seemed to confirm it and he looked away.
“Lee,” I said, leaning toward him, my voice softening. “Most people would have run away that day. Or turned a blind eye. At the absolute most, theymighthave called the cops for me, but that was extremely unlikely. You did more. You came back into that hellhole and you shot Ricky and saved my life. You bandaged my wounds and you held my hand. He was getting ready to kill me when you shot him, did you know that? That’s what he always did to his victims… brand them, fuck them, then shoot them. We were well into the ‘fucking’ stage by that point. I don’t think I’ve told you how much I appreciate you doing that, by the way.” I said, continuing to try to convince Lee of my sincerity. “I still have nightmares about him to this day. I shudder to think how much worse they would be if he was still alive.”
Lee looked at me from across the couch, his face a blend of confusion, sadness, regret, and something else. Frustration? Longing? I wasn’t sure. But he was looking at me like I held the biggest treasure in the universe in my hands and he would do anything to earn it.
“You don’t have to thank me for that,” he said hoarsely. “I’m just so damn angry. Angry at myself for having gone there. Angry at my damn leg for being too slow. Angry at the adults who should have cared for you. Angry at your uncle for…” He sighed, his breath exploding from him all at once. “Fuck. Foreverything.”
Lee’s chest was heaving as he spoke, the emotions coursing through him barely contained.
“I’m sorry, Mason. So sorry.” As he spoke my own eyes began to cloud with tears. “I’m sorry I was too damn slow to catch Dreyven. I know it makes me a monster, but if I had the chance today, I’d end him without a second thought for what he did to you, and I’d sleep like a baby.”
I used the back of my hand and swiped it across my eyes, clearingthem of tears for a moment. No one hadeverstood up for me like Lee had. Lee looked at me with that beautiful face and I saw the deep guilt he carried. This beautiful, incredible man, thishero…didn’t understand that hewasa hero.
“I’m so sorry, Mason. I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough. Good enough. Just… wasn’t… enough,” Lee’s tears began in earnest now, sobs choking their way out of his chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t kill him.”
I knew, somehow, that Lee wasn’t just talking to me, he was also talking to the ghost of Mack. I waited a moment, every instinct in my body screaming that I needed to reach out and comfort this man.
