“Oh, Bug. Sweetie… there are moments in life that define us. Things that, years later, we will look back on and say, ‘That was it. That’s the moment I became the person I was meant to be.’ I think that day, years ago, was one of those for him,” she began. “And I think… I think maybe today is one of those days for you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, sniffling. I’d found a box of tissues under the sink and had worked through about half of them already. I struggled to concentrate on what she was trying to convey.
“For a lot of your life, you had your choices taken away from you. You were forced to do things and be something that you really weren’t. Today, though… I think today, you have a choice. Todayyouget to decide. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be someone who hides in their apartment for the rest of their life, afraid of anything and everything? Afraid of loving, or being loved? Or do you want to be someone who takes a chance on love? Someone who’s ready to acknowledge that theydeserveto be loved and are ready to take a chance. It sounds to me like Lee had a lot of choices to make all those years ago, and he chose to save you. So, today, what are you going to choose? Who are you going to be?”
“I don’t know, Lizzie,” I said, still sniffling. “I don’t know… I don’t know what I want. I’m just afraid. Afraid it won’t work. That he’ll realize I’m… I’m not worth it,” I sighed. “What should I do?”
“Oh, sweetie, I can’t tell you what to do on this one,” she said, sighing back at me. “This is your decision to make. All I can do is tell you that I love you and will always be here to support you, whatever choices you make.”
We talked for a few more minutes, but she had to get to work, so we said our goodbyes and she promised to check back in on me. Before saying goodbye, she reminded me of the event that evening and made me promise that if I felt I had to leave that I call her so she could cancel.
I closed my phone and looked around the room, remembering the delight I’d felt the night before from seeing Lee on this bed, naked and waiting for me. The power that it gave me. The powerhegave me. The sense of confidence.
I realized at that moment I did know what I wanted. I wanted it. Wantedhim. Whatever this thing was between us, I wanted to exploreit. Good, bad, or indifferent ending. But I needed to understand how he had ended up in that hotel room years ago.
I grabbed my phone and pulled up my message app.
ME: Are you o.k.?
I waited. And waited. Then finally I saw the little dots flashing and knew he had seen my message and was responding.
LEE: …Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?
ME: I’m sorry. I overreacted. I shouldn’t have said what I did.
LEE: I…understand. I deserved it. I was such a shit back then.
ME: I have a hard time believing that.
LEE: No, I was a serious jerk at the time.
ME: “…At the time?”
LEE: Fuck you. :)
ME: I think we tried that already….
LEE: Well, no, not really, but still….
ME: Lee. Come home.
LEE: …. You’re still at the house? I thought you went to the airport.
ME: How did—never mind, it doesn’t matter. I’m still here. Come home.
Was he psychic or what? How the hell had he known I’d Ubered? Or did he just guess? I shook my head as I got off the phone and pulled up the Uber app, canceling my ride request. Fortunately, it looked like no one had accepted it.
Regardless of how he knew, he’d known. I paced for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do while I was waiting. I mean, not like this would be important to me, or anything. Only possibly the only person I had ever wanted to have sex with. No pressure…
My stuff was still packed. It was too early to cook lunch. I’d already showered. The thought of jerking off made my stomach turn. I had too much nervous energy available to just sit there and do nothing. As I walked by the open hallway door the light from Lee’s office cast shadows on the floor, and the sight of a single Lego falling into the hallway reminded me of the mess that had been made in Lee’s office the night before. It would help me pass the time so I might aswell make myself useful. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a couple of Tupperware containers I’d seen there the day before and made my way into his office.
There were still tiny robot bits and broken shelving everywhere, so I went about picking things up. I put the robot pieces into the plastic containers and did my best to straighten things up in the office. I sorted through the broken pieces and Lego bits and tried to remember what went with what, but I knew it was a lost cause. I’d have to trust that Lee would be able to figure out how everything fitted together.
I ended up just piling all the bits into the plastic bins and sorting out as much as possible. I put the shelves back up, happy to see they had just been knocked off their brackets by our little visitor, not broken. I placed them as close to their original layout as I could remember and was trying to get a desk drawer back on its rollers when I heard the front door open. I heard a slightly uneven step approach the door to the office and stop. After a moment, I looked up to see Lee looking down at me, his blond hair going every which way, eyes red-rimmed.
“What—? You didn’t have to do that,” he said, his voice hoarse, taking in the sorted bins and cleaned-up room.
“I thought I might as well be useful…” I said, looking around. I was pretty happy with how fast I'd gotten things cleaned up. “I just didn’t know what pieces went together, so I just put them all in bins.”
