“I know, it’s just…I’m so used to him being the only one with power and influence in my life. I know we moved six years ago, but I’m scared there are still people around here who owe him favors. I just don’t want to take the chance,” I finished.
Kaine nodded.
“I get it. So, what are your next steps?” he asked.
I paused and thought for a few minutes. What were my next steps?
“School, I think. I-I want to write, like my mom did, back before she met my dad,” I said, surprising myself. The idea had just been a nebulous thought in the back of my mind that crystallized at his question. “I don’t know if I’ll be any good at it, but I think it’s something she would like,” I finished.
I felt a tiny breath escape me as I thought of writing and sharing stories with others. It terrified me and made me feel horribly vulnerable, but ecstatic at the same time.
“I think you’ll be a fantastic writer,” he said, smiling at me sweetly. “I remember the stories you used to tell me at night. But, I also think you should do whatyouwant, not what your parents would like.”
I nodded in agreement and Kaine continued. “So, um… what about… us? What do you want to do about this… this thing between us?”
I looked at him, but I didn’t need to be staring into his eyes to feel him next to me. I was hyperaware of his presence. It was like he was a live wire, and I could feel the electricity humming in his presence just by concentrating. My eyes roamed over his face. His skin was flushed with embarrassment, his blond hair falling across his face, hiding his eyes from me just like he’d done when we were kids.
“Do you want there to be an us? After everything?” I asked, my heart choking the words in my throat. I desperately wanted him to say yes, but I also wasn’t sure I was the right person for him. I had so much baggage… My dad, my illness, our pasts… everything.
“I hurt you so much, Kaine. I didn’t want to, didn’t mean to, but the reality is I still did it. And, given the same situation, I don’t know what I’d do differently…” I said.
Kaine turned and looked at me full on. He smiled at me again, that same smile I remembered from when we were kids, the one that looked like his soul was shining out of his eyes.
“That wasn’t your fault,” he said. “I’m just…furious at myself for not seeing it. I was so blinded by my own pain that I wasn’t able to see yours. If I’d noticed, maybe I could have…I don’t know, prevented it? Ended it, maybe?” he shook his head in frustration.
“There’s no way you could have known…” I began.
“I should have! If anyone should have known, it should have been me,” he insisted. “It doesn’t matter how many times you say it, I’m going to blame myself for a while. What it boils down to though, is that you were doing what you had to in order for you, and your mom, to survive. I don’t blame you for that decision, Nicki. How could I? But to answer your question, do I want this thing between us? Yes. My answer to you will always be yes.”
He leaned in and laid a gentle kiss on my lips, and I sighed melting against him as he took control, his tongue teasing the seam of my lips until I opened for him. He plundered my mouth as if it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted, his arms wrapped around me, his hands sliding up under my shirt and dancing along the skin of my back, his fingers stroking each scar lovingly.
I gasped lightly as we finally broke apart, my hands clutching at his hips to keep me stable.
“You taste just as fucking good as I remember,” he whispered.
“You, too,” I said in response, realizing suddenly I was grinning like a fool. “You taste like sugarless Bubble Yum.”
Kaine laughed, his head thrown back as we lay entwined on his bed. “They just stopped making it. I have to find a new brand,” he said.
“Oh no! It took you years to find a brand you loved! I hope you have some stockpiled…” I answered.
He grinned and rolled over setting his camera aside and opening the drawer on the bedside table to show me its contents: Inside the drawer was what looked like an entire case of sugarless Bubble Yum. Right next to lube and condoms.
I’d started to laugh, then my gaze caught on the supplies. My eyes jumped to his and my breath caught in my throat. I could feel my facing turning a bright red as my pulse began to race. This was something we’d talked about when we were kids, about how we wanted to have sex “someday”. But, someday hadn’t come soon enough, and we’d lost our chance. Or so I’d thought. Kaine obviously hadn’t been celibate in my absence.
Kaine seemed to realize suddenly what else was in the drawer other than the gum, and he slammed it shut.
“Shit, Nicki, I didn’t mean—” he began.
“I know,” I said. “I— I didn’t expect that you had been a monk all these years.”
His eyes searched my face for confirmation and eventually seemed satisfied with what he found there.
“Have you ever…?” He asked tentatively, his fingers tracing the collar of my shirt.
I shook my head. “I— I didn’t dare. At first, I didn’t want to take a chance at doing to someone else what my mom did to me, even though she didn’t know. Not many people would have been interested anyway, what with my diagnosis and all. Even in this day and age, people are still so scared, and I can’t exactly blame them. Plus, with my dad… I didn’t have a way to hide the— the bruises when he—when he beat me. So it was just… easier, just to be alone.” I sat up in the bed, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. “I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud. He beat me. My father… beat me…” I whispered.
I felt tiny and fragile, like a breath of air would shatter me into a million pieces. Kaine sat up next to me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me against him again.
