“Yourslutof a mother! That’s what happened!” he screamed, stomping on yet another piece of china. “Goddamn bitch dared to serve me at my office! As if I was some randomlowlife!” he screamed again.
“S-serve you?” I stammered again. “I—Wh-what does that mean?”
His eyes remained locked on mine as I tried to make myself as small a target as possible. It wasn’t too hard, I hadn’t really hit my growth spurt yet, and I wasn’t that tall.
“Papers! Goddamndivorcepapers,” he said, grabbing them from the kitchen table with his left hand and throwing them at me.
I didn’t dare move to inspect them, but I saw words like “alimony”, “insurance” and “child support”.
“You want it! Don’t think I don’t know!” he hissed, glaring at me. “You want to go prancing back to your boyfriend, live with your mom and think you’ll live all happily ever after. Not if I have anything to say about it! She never had any room formein her life since you were born. Now she wants to take you away and expects me topayfor the privilege!” He practically spat the words at me before continuing, “That fucking bitch isn’t getting a red cent out of me. I will put all of us in the ground, including your fucking boyfriend, before I give her the satisfaction!” His thumb pulled back the hammer on the revolver and aimed it at me.
Unnatural calm descended on me in that moment as I realized what he was threatening. My father had always been possessive, a trait my mom and I had lived with good-naturedly. Staring down the barrel of the gun, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, rather than letting us go, he would kill me, my mom, Kaine, and himself.
I had always been good in a crisis, my brain and responses often lauded by my teachers as being mature beyond my years. In that moment, it was like a switch flipped inside me as I stared him down, and I knew there was only one way to stop him from carrying out his threat. I needed to give him a better option for revenge.
I stopped huddling in on myself and stood up straight. My father didn’t respect fear. For this to work, he had to respect me.
“Why make it that easy for her?” I asked. I ignored the mess on the kitchen floor and walked over to the refrigerator, opening the door and pulling a soda out.
“What?” he asked, my calm confusing him.
I popped the top of the soda, and took a sip, hoping that he couldn’t see the way my hands were shaking.
“Why make it that easy for her?” I repeated, keeping my voice low and quiet. “It only takes a second to pull a trigger. Why be that painless?”
My father looked at me, uncertainty apparent on his face. Intelligence slowly seemed to return as his rage faded, but I couldn’t be certain yet. He tilted the weapon slightly toward the floor as I leaned against the counter, soft drink in hand.
He glowered at me, his breath coming in pants as he stood with the gun in his hand. I knew from experience that a one-handed stance wasn’t as easy as the movies made it look. In just a minute or two his muscles would start shaking from the strain. I really didn’t want to be in front of the barrel when that happened.
“Make her live with it. Make her live… without me. Without… us.”
He stared at me for a moment, indecision warring behind his eyes. After a moment he lowered his aim, though he kept the gun pointed in my direction.
“Why would you stay? What’s to keep you from taking off as soon as my back is turned?” he demanded.
I stared down at the can. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I had been hoping that Icouldget him calmed down, then escape. My sneakers nudged one of the papers on the floor, the edges wrinkled where he’d gripped them. A single word stood out to me.
“Insurance,” I said, feeling the dust from the damaged walls stick in my throat. I took another drink to clear it.
“Insurance?” He asked.
“Health insurance,” I said louder. “She needs health insurance if she’s going to live, and so do I. No place will cover either of us with a pre-existing condition like HIV. You agree to the divorce and let her go. Don’t—don’t hurt her. Give her what she wants—” I saw his gaze harden as he started to raise the weapon again, so I rushed the rest of my offer out. “—except me. As long as she’s alive, I’ll stay here.”
He looked at me speculatively. I considered this a hopeful sign, so I continued, “I’m almost sixteen. The judge will give me the option of choosing what parent I want to live with,” I said, my voice gaining confidence. “I’ll stand up in court, and say I want to live with you. Between that, and the fact that she’s… she’s sick, no judge in the world will give me to her.”
I could see the wheels turning in his head as he thought through my bargain.
“You know it would hurt her worse than anything you could do to her, physically,” I finished. “…and it would last longer.”
A slow, dark smile formed at the corners of his mouth as he took in the idea.
“You’d stay here—” he asked, raising an eyebrow in question. “—no matter what?”
I swallowed hard, as I had an idea of what was going through his head. When he’d hurt my mom, she had fled. If I remained, he probably could—would—hurt me. I thought of my mom, and how much she meant to me.
“As long—as long as she’s safe… As long as Kaine’s safe…” I locked gazes with him, and nodded, swallowing hard. “No matter what. I’ll stay.”
He slowly holstered his gun, then turned around and left. I’d almost dropped to my knees in relief. That had been the beginning of my own, personal hell.
