‘Do you own this place?’
‘Yeah. Nora rents off me. It’s much nicer than living by myself.’
I think of my empty place in Pacific Palisades. ‘I know what you mean.’
‘It’s this door, here.’
Holy fuck. We’re in her bedroom. It’s a huge, beautiful room. Light and airy. Cherry blossoms painted on the pale blue wallpaper. Enormous white bed.
I pull the comforter back with my free hand and lay her down against the pillows on one side of the bed—the side that has photos and books on the nightstand. She sinks into the pillows with a little groan. I set to work untying her sneakers, and get them and her socks off of her before I pull the comforter up over her. I smooth my hand over her forehead before sliding it around the back of her neck.
‘What can I get you? What do you need?’
‘I need to be really careful with what I eat.’ She puts her hand on her stomach. ‘Can you run downstairs to the kitchen? Adela, my housekeeper, should be there. Ask her for rehydration drinks and bone broth, and see if she’ll pop out and get some fruit? Honeydew melon and bananas. Thanks.’
‘Of course.’ My thumb strokes along the line of her jaw. She has no idea how beautiful she is, even like this. The late-morning sun pouring through her bedroom windows illuminates her clear, pale skin and the purple shadows under her eyes. ‘I’ll go see her. Do you want me to stay downstairs, or… Do you need to sleep?’
She yawns. ‘I might nod off, but I’d rather have you here. Is that okay?’
I swallow, surprised she wants me around when she was so pissed at me the other day. When she’s worked so hard at hiding her health issues from me. I’m pumped she hasn’t asked me to get the hell out of here. ‘Of course it’s okay. I wanna be here with you.’
I go introduce myself to Adela, who hooks me up with the broth and the drink and some straws, and decline her offer to take the tray up to Elle. I got this. I got her. I sit on the edge of the bed and hold the straw to her mouth as she sips. She gets a decent amount of her drink down her, and a little bone broth.
‘You can get on the bed with me, you know.’ Her voice is drowsy. I go around the bed and hop up onto it, lying next toher on my side. I smooth my hand super carefully over the flat of her stomach. She has a heat pad on it.
‘Does it still hurt?’
‘Yeah. But it’s manageable.’
She rests her hand over mine, and I lie there and watch in awe as she drifts off to sleep.
CHAPTER 42
Elle
Inap on and off for most of the afternoon. Josh stays the whole time. One time when I wake up, he’s asleep, those killer lashes brushing his cheeks. The next time, he’s reading. And when I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough sleep, the shadows in my room are long. Josh is still there.
I brave a trip to the loo and wave off his offer of help. I’m still bleeding a tiny bit and with my bowels in the state they’re in, I have no interest in letting him too close to my bathroom. I splash my face and brush my teeth. I could use a change of scene, especially if I want to sleep well later, so Josh carries me and my pillow downstairs (despite my protestations) and settles me on the sofa before going to find Adela and ask her to heat up more broth.
There’s been a shift since he came to the hospital. He knows my deepest secret. He’s seen me wiped out and tubed up in hospital and he didn’t bat an eyelid. And since we got back here, there’s been this quiet ease between us. Like he doesn’t expect anything from me. He’s simply here if I need him.
And I don’t necessarily need him here, but I want him here.
There’s a thought circling in my mind. It’s been there since I woke up, and it won’t leave me alone. Maybe it’s because Josh has finally seen me in a state I’ve always been desperate to hide from him, and I feel like I’ve got nothing else to lose. The thought is this:
Ask Josh why he left you.
It’s driving me insane. Don’t get me wrong, that question has driven me insane for five years, but I had to make peace with not knowing a long time ago. The answer I settled for then was that he was a dick.
Really, there’s no other conclusion to be drawn, is there?
But despite my hissy fit the other morning, and my outrage that he’d try to brush off the gravity of what he did to me, I can’t square my ‘dick’ explanation with the guy I’ve got to know.
The guy who’s been doing a very good job of acting like he cares.
The guy who’s settled himself at the end of my sofa and is currently giving me a seriously blissful foot rub.
I cradle my mug of bone broth in my hands and blow gently on it to cool it down.
