That’s why I had to let you go.
‘You were everything. You were perfect. You always have been.’
She closes her eyes briefly. ‘Oh, shut up, Josh.’
I’m reeling to process all this information—not only how badly this Crohn’s shit (and I) have damaged her confidence, but the fact that she lives with an invisible illness and I’ve been oblivious. ‘Does this happen often? When was the last time you were hospitalised?’
‘A couple of years ago. The worst was—’ She stops suddenly.
‘The worst was what?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Elle.’
Her eyes slide back to me. If I thought I had feelings for her before, looking at her little white, drawn face only brings home to me how much I love her. I feel so fucking helpless here. I want to pull out these tubes and take her home and lie down beside her and not let her out of my sight.
‘The worst was when you dumped me.’
My body is splitting open from the pain. My heart is pouring itself out through my chest.
‘Go on, baby.’
I give her a nod. I can’t run from this. From the consequences of what I’ve done. I’ve gotten so good at running over the years. At avoidance. There’s no avoiding this. Yesterday morning, I had the nerve to think to myself that she was overreacting. I suspect I’m just about to get a giant fucking reality check.
‘I got myself into such a state, I had a massive flare-up. Like, huge. I was in hospital for two weeks. Multiple blood transfusions. I lost a stone and a half. The doctors were actually considering surgery—removing my colon and putting in a stoma bag.’
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God.
She’s crying now. Heartbreaking little tears that run down her cheeks. She’s fucking dehydrated. She can’t go crying out her limited water supply on me.
‘Oh, sweet Jesus. Elle. Baby. I am so fucking sorry for causing you so much hurt.’
‘You didn’t just break my heart.’ She’s whispering. ‘You broke my body, too.’
I plummet over the edge. I press our entwined hands to my forehead and weep for the needless fucking agony and suffering I’ve caused this beautiful woman. The only woman I’ve ever loved.
‘Jesus Christ.’ I’m not usually lost for words, but there are no words to tell her how sorry I am. To make it right.
‘So you see why I’m angry at myself for letting you get close to me again. I’m here right now because I got in a state over you. Again. You’re not good for me. You’re really, really toxic for me. My body can’t handle you. It doesn’t know how. You’re too much.’
‘Don’t say that.’ I want to beg. I need to beg. ‘I know youhave no reason to trust me. But I’m not the guy you dated back then. I was so fucking entitled and wrapped up in my own demons. But every piece of work I’ve done on myself is to become worthy of you. To be healthy enough to be there for you, the way you deserve.’
We sit there, hands sealed together, and she just shakes her head in this defeated way, and it fucking slays me. My tears come thick and fast from my well-hydrated body. She put up so many barriers around herself, and now they all make total sense. I’m a toxic parasite, and I can’t believe she’s let me in this close.
I can’t believe she can even bring herself to look at me.
To speak to me.
The door opens. Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. It’s her pit-bull.
‘You made her cry? Seriously? I leave for five minutes and you made herfucking cry?’
‘Nor. Leave it. I’m fine.’ Elle’s exhausted. I’ve exhausted her, which I have no business doing.
She should be resting.
She shouldn’t be letting me drain her. Again.
