Step Nine is making direct amends to these people wherever possible,except when to do so would injure them or others.
Motherfucker.
I think about Step Nine as I walk into the bathroom, crank the shower to cold, and shuck off my clothes. I have shown up for so many goddamned people, except for the one person at the top of that fucking list.
Elle.
I step under the spray, and the freezing water hits me in the face. It’s exactly what I need. I let myself process the experienceof seeing her today. The old Josh would have raced to numb the pain with whatever the fuck he could find in his fridge or his medicine cabinet. The Josh I am today, for whatever that’s worth, understands how important it is to let myselffeel. Even if it’s fucking agony.
She was everything I remembered, and yet totally different. The enjoyment of feasting my eyes on her while Dominic bantered with Georgiana was matched by the pain of what a fucking waste it’s all been. That lost time. That unnecessary heartbreak all round. The suspicion that this new, brittle, cynical Elle 2.0 is that way because of me.
If I thought it would help her, I’d have flown over here after my first stint in rehab and apologised. Begged her forgiveness. Explained. Done whatever I could to give her closure.
But not only was I totally disinterested in the twelve steps when I got out that first time, but I knew it would do her more harm than good if I showed up. She needed to get over me cleanly. She needed to hate me so goddamn much she’d never be tempted to look backwards. Not once. The thing she hates me the most for was the greatest gift I was capable of giving her at the time.
This time, it’s different. Step Nine is one of the reasons I’m here: to see if I can make things good without hurting her.
But it’s not the only reason.
This time, I’m standing at the foot of the mountain that is the journey to seeking Elle’s forgiveness, and I don’t care how long it is, or how hard.
This time, I want more. So much more.
CHAPTER 20
Elle
I’ve been listening to theGrosvenorscore on repeat since Alyssa sent it to me a few weeks ago. It’s a stunning combination of era-appropriate classical music composed especially for the show, and some contemporary songs reworked into clever, strings-heavy arrangements.
Case in point: the song we’ll be waltzing to at today’s rehearsal is a slowed-down, strings-only version of Chloe Adams’Dirty Thoughts.It’s cheeky, and catchy, and perfect.
I’ve been having one-on-one dance lessons with the show’s choreographer, Jack Lawson, and various members of his team for weeks now, and I understand Josh has, too. I’ve really enjoyed myself. Having skipped drama school, I’ve missed out on any formal dance training, and learning to waltz and jig is a far cry from my usual Dance Floor Whore style, but I’ve taken to it quickly, and I’ve watched enough period dramas to know how important dancing can be as a mechanism for bringing love interests together and building intimacy.
Let’s hope it works for me and Josh too, because as much as I’m dreading spending the day whirling around in hismuscular arms, I know we need to get comfortable acting together, and quickly.
We’re in an airy loft in Soho this morning, and I can’t help but feel like I’m channelling my innerStrictly Come Dancingpro. Ooh, maybe they’ll invite me on as a celebrity onceGrosvenorhas aired! I would love thatsomuch.
I have an unfortunate tendency to get very involved in the buying of accessories to get into the spirit of hobbies, without actually committing to the hobby itself. Skiing is a brilliant example: I have a wardrobe full of gorgeous Perfect Moment ski gear at home, and very little skill to show for it. Today, in true Elle Hart style, I’ve gone to town on my dance outfit in leggings, a crop top and a light, baggy top that hangs off one shoulder. I’m basically Dance Barbie. It’s ridiculous, I know, but it makes me as happy as if I’m a four-year-old girl in her first ballet outfit.
Thankfully, I’m in ballet flats, similar to what I’ll be wearing under my costume. It’s more accurate, and the directors are keen to accentuate the height difference between me and Josh. I’ll probably have a stiff neck by the end of the day from looking up at him for hours on end, but at least my feet won’t ache as much as they would from dancing in heels all day.
I may or may not also have brushed my teeth three times this morning and packed five packs of gum to prepare for a day of close proximity. God knows what I’ll be like when we actually do a kissing scene (shudder).
When I show up, Josh is already there, chatting away to Jack and a group of people who I assume are dancing extras. I eye him curiously. He certainly seems to be making an effort. I noticed yesterday he spent a good amount of time greeting everyone around the table individually. I suppose he has a lot riding on this opportunity, what with the flopGhoulwas and his reported stintsin rehab.
Josh, Josh, Josh. The guy is a total mystery. I can’t square the conflicting sides of this man, from the one making polite, cheery conversation with his colleagues right now, to the passionate, confident man I fell in love with, to the press reports of drug and alcohol abuse that I never personally witnessed.
I shake my head. It’s not my problem.He’snot my problem anymore. I just have to get through the next few months and enjoy them as much as possible, despite Josh Lander’s unwelcome presence.
He spots me, and his face brightens. He takes a step backwards, opening up a gap in the cluster for me to join.
‘Hey, Elle. Good morning.’ This chipper greeting is delivered with an equally chipper smile. I narrow my eyes at him. I’m not sure what the hell his game is, and whether he’s trying to throw me off mine or make out like he’s a good guy in front of everyone. Whatever.
‘Morning,’ I say tersely, before smiling more genuinely at the rest of them. I don’t want to get a reputation for being a total bitch. And it’s not their fault I hate my co-star. ‘Hi there. I’m Elle.’ I give them a little wave before spotting Thor and Nick, who are also in this scene, and giving them a higher-wattage smile.
‘You look ready to dance,’ Josh remarks. His gaze sweeps brazenly over my bare shoulder. Is he taking the piss? He also looks very, um, convincing, in manly harem pants and a zip-up hoodie that’s open just enough to show a tantalising hint of chest hair above his singlet. That hoodie had better stay the fuck on while I’m dancing with him.
‘Let’s do this,’ Jack says, saving me from a snarky response and throwing me out of the frying pan and into the fire all at once. ‘Josh and Elle, you’ll join the dance floor from here. Everyone else, to the sides for the moment, please. We’llgive Elle and Josh a few rounds to find their feet before we weave the rest of you in.’
