I roll my eyes. ‘Possibly the least helpful comment you’ve ever made.’
‘Right. Sorry about that. Do you want me to come on setwith you? I’ll bring my laptop and glare at Josh Lander the whole fucking time.’
‘It’s tempting. But thanks, Nor. I’ll be fine. ’ I give her a watery smile as I flop on the sofa.
‘I know you’ll be fine. You’ve got this. And just remember: when they go low, we go high.’
CHAPTER 16
Josh
I’ve questioned this decision a million times since that first meeting with Alyssa in West Hollywood. And I’ve wanted to reach out to Elle a million times, too, but I haven’t dared. I can’t imagine what her reaction would be if I presumed to message her out of the blue.
I know I shouldn’t have taken the part. I know how pissed Elle must be. I know how unreasonable it is to show up and expect her to act out a romance with me for months on end after the way I left her hanging. But I also know three things to be true.
One. This part was written for me.
Two. My career needs it desperately, especially after theGhoulfiasco and the press uproar around my latest stint in rehab.
Three. I honestly believe this is fate. It’s the universe giving me a second chance to make Ellery Hart fall in love with me. And to prove to her I’m worth it.
My whole future fucking career and personal happiness hanging on one show. Could the stakes be any higher?
This last stint in rehab was the real deal. Not because the process was much different from the times before, but because I went into it with a totally different mindset. I wanted to get clean. And I’m finally allowing myself to believe staying clean is possible.
It was one of Alyssa’s terms when she met with me to pitchGrosvenor.I’d just wrappedGhoul, and I was partying hard. Obviously, I was sober when I met with her, but she’d heard the rumours. Seen the press. Josh Lander, still behaving like a pathetic party boy in his mid-thirties.
‘Go and get yourself sorted out,’ she told me. ‘Properly, this time. But don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. That’s the only way this shit works.’
I agreed with her. And I liked her. A lot. I particularly liked that she was willing to take a chance on me after a rocky few years for my career.
‘I’m just so worried about Elle,’ I told her. ‘How do you think she’ll react when you tell her?’
‘I won’t release your name until the last possible minute. And she’ll be incredibly fucked off with me, as well she should. But I know you two are going to make magic together. What you had may not have lasted, but it would be a crime if you guys never got to flex your collective muscles on-screen.’
I went to rehab, and I did the work. For real. I did it for Alyssa, and I did it for Elle, but most of all, I did it for myself. And I could feel the difference this time. I could sense the relief, the release, as I worked to free myself from the demons that had had their claws in me for far too long.
This time, I wanted to be free of them. They’d directly and indirectly sabotaged everything I valued in my life. They’d driven me to do the worst thing I’d ever done to another human being. When I got out of rehab that time after breaking things off with Elle, I reached straight forwhat I needed to take the pain away. Liquor. Coke. Molly. Everything that felt good. Everything I could get my hands on.
The difference now is, I understand I need to feel the pain. I need to find my way through it to get to the other side. And I have to trust that what lies on the other side is worth it. Numbing the world out is no longer the answer for me. As the leaders of our programme promised, the process was—is—both a journey and a homecoming. I’ve felt more like myself than I have for years.
The question is whether I, as myself, am enough for others.
For Elle.
These past couple months since I got out have felt like the weirdest hiatus. I’ve been getting ready to move to London for filming, and every time I read the lines I’ll be saying with Georgiana, I imagine saying them to Elle. I imagine sparring with her (I bet she’s looking forward to that part). I imagine insisting she’ll be my wife. And I imagine looking down on her in Dominic’s bed, that incredible hair spread out around her, during the wedding night scene. God help me, if she doesn’t respond to our scenes together the same way I have, I’ll be fucked.
Because this script is a gift. It’s our story. Well, it’s the story of our second chapter. First time around, she gave her mind, heart and body to me so freely, and I threw all of it aside like it was trash. Or that’s the conclusion she’ll have drawn, in any case.
This time around, I’m Dominic, faced with a woman who despises me. And like Dominic, I’ll need endless patience and faith to win the woman I love over. Because there’s no doubt in my mind that as soon as I see her, I’ll know for a fact I’m still in love with her.
Obviously, I’ve watched with awe as her acting career hastaken off in the most stellar way. And I’ve been fascinated to see her grow as a woman as well as an actor. My little Elle has grown up. It was so fucking difficult to stay away from the Academy Awards that first year after I finished it, not to be there to see her moment of triumph.
But I did it. I stayed away, and I watched it alone at home, and I got absolutely trashed. Because this was my doing—well, mine and Mom’s. I’d made my bed, and I had to fucking lie in it. And when it was announced she’d be the lead inFae, it was the first time I felt like maybe I’d done the right thing.
I wasn’t worthy of her. She had so, so far to fly, and I would’ve held her back. There was a huge chance she wouldn’t have taken a role that involved a year in New Zealand if I’d been in the picture, holding her back with my issues.
My sacrifice has been worth it.
