The English part of her speech is short and self-deprecating and perfect. Deflecting the praise, and telling the audience Tina deserves most of this award for her incredible, sensitive direction and for coaxing out of Elle a performance she didn’t know she had in her.
My girl’s a class act. Tonight’s the starkest possible reminder of that. And so it’s no surprise that tonight, of all the nights since I saw her and went in for the kill, my freaking inner monster decides to goad me.
You’re a fucking joke, dude.
This woman’s the real deal.
She’s going stratospheric.
You’re a fucked-up dick who can’t get through an evening without half a bottle of scotch and a few lines.
Not until you met her, anyway.
She’s gonna figure it out—figure out you’re an empty shell dressed up like a pretty boy, and she’s going to leave you for fucking dust.
CHAPTER 10
Elle
Despite how high I am over winning Best Actress (not sure when, if ever, that will sink in), I’m absolutely dreading saying goodbye to Josh. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it. I’ll never have this time again: the insanity of my first Cannes, getting my award and the growing understanding that everything is about to change for me.
But the biggest deal this past week has been falling for Josh Lander. It’s surreal to think that, a few short days ago, I was in such a tizz over him brushing up against me on the dance floor (although that was one of the craziest moments of my life).
Now, I know the noises he makes when he comes. When he sleeps. When he’s waking up. I know how the inside of his mouth tastes, and the feel of his thumb pad tracing the curve of my spine. I know how soft the fine baby hairs on his hairline are when I brush my lips against them.
I also know lots of other things the public never will, because he’s let me in. For someone who’s been shafted by the press so many times, he’s been incredibly open with me from the start. Maybe it’s because I’m so obviously new to this gameand he wants me to learn from his tales of woe. Or because I’m pretty clueless and highly unlikely to sell our story to the highest bidder.
Or, hopefully, it’s because he trusts me.
Feels close to me.
Is as drawn in by this instant bond we have as I am.
Whatever the reason, he’s let me into his life, and it’s even better than him letting me into his bed. I’m aware he and his mum don’t see eye to eye, that she’s an amazing businesswoman and deal-maker, but makes every decision based on numbers and little else. Certainly not based on what Josh wants. He joked with me the other day that if she wasn’t his mum, he’d sack her. I’m aware he’s horribly self-critical and continues to beat himself up over his performances, even years later.
He detested his performance inHey, Jude, for example. It was a long-running series on the Disney channel in which he, of course, played Jude, and it made an entire generation of girls fall madly in love with him. Including me.
‘I had you-as-Jude on my bedroom wall for years,’ I finally confessed the other night when we were in bed. I ran my hands down his gorgeous chest.
I hadn’t planned on telling him that. At all. But he was being so down on himself, and I wanted to put a smile on his face.
It definitely worked. He grinned like the Cheshire Cat and rolled over, pressing down on top of me.
‘Is that so?’
‘Yeah. I discovered it a few years after you filmed it, I suppose. I was fourteen. Maybe thirteen. It was my favourite poster. By a mile.’
‘Hmm.’ He pressed down on me harder. ‘Fourteen-year-old Elle, crushing on me in her bedroom. Good job I didn’t know you back then. I bet you were a walking felony.’
I laughed and tried to wriggle away. ‘I wasn’t. Honestly. I was a late developer, and I had braces. But you broke my heart. I was so in love with you.’
He kissed me then, so softly. ‘I’m sorry I broke your heart, sweet girl. But I’m much more interested in making you fall in love with me now.’ He raised his head so he could see me. ‘How am I doing?’
I lay back on his pillow and met his gaze. My beautiful Josh, doing things to my heart this time around that my fourteen-year-old self would have been decidedly ill-equipped to cope with.
‘You’re doing a scarily good job,’ I whispered. And it was true. He was.
I don’t haveto worry about saying goodbye to him in the end. Because the morning after the Closing Ceremony and one hell of an after-party, into which Josh and Brad carried meon their shoulders, for crying out loud, while everyone stood around and clapped me, he tells me he’s going to cancel his place on Davide’s jet.
