As soon as the thought enters my head, I shove it back out. I have no business thinking like that.
“You okay?” Jude’s voice is quiet and concerned in a way I never would’ve guessed could come from him.
I clear my throat. “Yeah.”
Jude keeps watching me, and I try not to think about how we’re stuck in this alley with our dicks out, and anyone could come back here and see us. Hisbrotherscould see us. The thought’s enough to snap me out of it.
I reach between us and zip back up. Jude does the same, but he watches me the whole time. I feel like I should say something, but no words want to come out. I can’t tell him about Patrick because that feels weird. And it’s not like he’d care about my hang-ups.
“You got a bathroom in that office of yours?” Jude finally asks. “I need to wash up.”
“Oh, yeah.” I turn and fumble with the door before unlocking it and entering my office again. I flip on the lights, and Jude spares a glance around the room before heading to the open door of the bathroom.
I stay near the entrance and listen to the water run. Sweat is cooling on my body, but my heart’s still pounding. As much as I liked what happened in that alley, I almost wish it hadn’t been so good. Then I could’ve walked away from it. From Jude. But I had thought no one would ever know how to burn me to pieces like Patrick could. But Jude proved me wrong.
When he comes back out of the bathroom, he pauses near my desk. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” I glance away from him. “It’s just…been a while.”
“Really?”
The surprise in his voice makes me smile. “Yeah, that shock you?”
“Well, I’m not gonna dump a bunch of compliments on you because your confidence already seems okay, but yeah. You’re good-looking; I’m sure you could get laid even if you’re not in a relationship.”
I debate for a long minute, trying to decide how much to tell him. And then I go with the safest route. “My last relationship was serious, and it ended suddenly. I’ve just felt kind of out of touch with the whole dating thing.”
Jude nods like he gets it. Maybe he does. Then he flashes me a crooked smile. “Well, whenever you want to touch it again, let me know.”
Five
Jude
My first night in the hotel is restless. I can’t get comfortable and listening to the sounds of Brooklyn well into the night is hard. It reminds me of trying to sleep when we were kids and hearing Dad beat on Dominic so loudly that it seemed to drown out the sounds of the city.
I take a breath and try to center myself. My mind flashes back to that moment in the alley when I held Max in my hand. It had been a gamble, asking if he liked being controlled. I hadn’t expected him to respond so enthusiastically.
Fuck, if I keep lying here thinking about this, it’s going to lead to a road I’m not sure I want to go down.
Eventually, I just get up and make some coffee and watch the sunrise from the grimy window of my hotel room.
Just six more days. I can make it that long. Maybe I should try to find a hotel in a different area.
As I’m trying to think of where would be better, a knock sounds at the door. Even though I’m sure it’s most likely housekeeping, I check out the window anyway. I don’t like not knowing who I’m opening the door to.
Panic zips through me when I realize it’s Rowan on the other side. I love him more than I could ever say, but there’s a reason I’ve been avoiding him. How are you supposed to face someone you let go to jail for something that was barely a crime?
I take a deep breath then open the door.
“Hey,” Rowan says as he steps into my hotel room. His body’s strung tight again, like it was last night, so I glance away from him. I know he’d been doing better from what Dominic had texted me over the last few months. But it seems like my coming back to town has made it bad again.
Rowan waits until I close the door after him before saying, “We didn’t really get a chance to talk last night.”
“I was at the bar for two hours.” Even as I say it, I know it’s not what he means. That was just surface shit, getting to know Brigid and Anastasia. And apparently Max on a completely different scale.
Rowan ignores me. “I told Dominic to stop it with the pushing.”
“I don’t need you to do that.” I deserve Dominic’s glares and snide remarks. He practically raised me, and I ran away from him like an angsty teenager.
