Max is panting. His face is flushed an adorable shade of red, and I feel like I could look at it forever. But then my gaze shifts from his face to the mess I made on the rug, and my stomach drops.
I push myself up to my knees and glance around. “You got any cleaner or something?”
Max leans up on his elbows. “What is with you and the need to clean up right after? You know we’re not doing anything wrong.”
“I know.”
“Really? Because it kind of makes me feel like you’re trying to wash away what we did.”
“What? No, no, that’s not it. I love what we do.”
“Then what is it?” Max’s voice is soft, full of curiosity. Devoid of anger. “Is it about your ex?”
I glance away from him. It feels like a weird conversation to be having without my clothes on, but I have to give him something. He’s been so kind so far. So understanding when he shouldn’t have been. I don’t have to tell him everything.
“Yeah, I guess. He just… It’s kind of hard to explain.” A knot forms in my throat.
“Well, take your time.” Max sits up and pulls a large throw blanket from the couch, then covers us both with it. Then he just sits there silently beside me, his shoulder pressed into mine.
“I wish you weren’t so nice.”
He laughs a little and finds my hand underneath the blanket. When he squeezes it tightly, some of the pressure in my chest loosens. Maybe I can tell him some of the stuff. It’s not like I have to tell him that I never wanted it at all. Even though in my head, I know it was rape, I can’t bring myself to actually speak the words. To anyone. But I have to say something.
“What I had with my ex was pretty fucked up. He didn’t want anyone knowing about us, and I was pretty young. I didn’t know I could say no to some of the stuff he liked.” That’s stretching the truth a little. I knew I could, I just couldn’t actually say no. I couldn’t risk my brothers getting hurt.
Max stays silent, his thumb massaging the back of my hand gently.
“He kind of got off on humiliating me. And I know there are a lot of people who actually get off on being humiliated, but I wasn’t one of them. I’m still not. And he knew it, but he would make me do stuff anyway.”
“Like what?” Max’s voice is quiet.
I shake my head before the words have fully left his mouth. “I don’t want to be specific. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” He’s silent for a second. “I just don’t know what to say. I’ve never been in a bad relationship. Is this why it’s so important that I use words when you ask me a question?”
I shrug. My skin feels hot. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I don’t do it on purpose. Even though I do like what you do when I don’t use words.”
My mouth picks up in a smile at the blush on his face. “Well, I like doing it.”
He schools his expression. “You get under my skin in a way no one ever has, Jude. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the words in the heat of the moment.”
“I have that effect on people.”
He laughs and bumps my shoulder with his. Then he sobers and says, “Look, I’m not your ex. You make me feel good, and I want to do the same for you. I like to explore and take things to the next level. But you canalwayssay no if you don’t want to do something. I don’t want to embarrass you or hurt you. I just want you to have a good time when you’re with me.”
“I do have a good time. I have a great time.” I glance at the mess on the rug. “It’s just… Some things are hard to let go of.”
Twenty-two
Max
Shortly after Jude leaves, I exit the office too. I’m thankful I got all the work done because I think I’m going to have a hard time focusing after that. Seeing Jude so vulnerable and open to me has ruined me for all working days after this. I’m only ever going to want to see him there when I sit at my desk.
I take the long way to the cemetery this time, trying not to feel guilty. I’d known it would happen when I met someone new, but I try to tell myself that he’d want me to be happy. I know that if our roles were reversed, I’d want him to be happy.
I stop for some flowers along the way, and by the time I reach his headstone, the sun is starting to set.
