But I can’t help lying in bed and staring at my phone, rereading the thread of messages. I’m having trouble getting that haunted look in Jude’s eyes out of my head. I want to demand that he tell me more, so I can get a better idea of how to help him.
It was easier with Patrick. When he had a bad day, he’d take a long shower, then I’d massage him until his muscles were relaxed, and a sweet smile lined his mouth. Then I’d fuck him slow and deep until he forgot everything but the two of us.
I know trying to fix someone you have feelings for is a big, red flag, but I don’t think Jude needs to be fixed. I don’t think he’s broken. I think he’s in a world of pain and maybe he doesn’t know how to make his way out of it.
Seventeen
Jude
I wish I hadn’t told Max goodnight. Because I don’t want to just lie here and continue not sleeping. But something about Max makes me want to tell him everything. I want to spill every secret I’ve ever had and let Max tell me it’s okay.
But I can’t do that. I shouldn’t even be seeing him. I think Grant’s been following me, and I don’t want him to see Max with me. Though, if he has been following me, he’s most likely already seen us together.
The thought makes my skin crawl.
I throw my blanket off and stagger up from the bed. I just need something to drink. Maybe a smoke. Then I should be able to sleep.
The urge to get on my bike and get the hell out of Brooklyn sits heavy on my chest, but I do my best to ignore it. I won’t leave before Dominic and Brigid are married.
I ease my door open quietly and step out into the living room to find Anastasia sitting cross legged on the floor, flowers and ribbons and vases spread all around her.
“What are you doing?” I whisper so I don’t wake Rowan.
“Last-minute centerpieces,” Anastasia whispers back. “We were supposed to have real flowers on every table, but the florist had a mix-up, so we have one massive—and I mean massive—centerpiece that I guess we’ll stick in the front hall. And no centerpieces for the small tables.”
“Sounds stressful.”
Anastasia shrugs, and it makes me smile. I’m beginning to think nothing can ruffle this woman.
“You want to help?” Anastasia asks, then holds up a glass. “I have champagne.”
“Yeah, okay.” It beats lying in bed and thinking about Grant. And Max.
When I sit next to Anastasia, she shows me what order to put the different colored flowers in, then how to tie them so they stay together.
“Then just drop them in the vase and tie a ribbon around the neck of the vase, and you’re done.” Anastasia smiles and hands me the glass of champagne.
I take a sip even though I usually drink stronger stuff. It helps soothe my nerves a little.
“I’m really glad you’re here,” Anastasia says as we start working on the centerpieces. “Rowan is so happy. I haven’t seen him like this ever.”
I blush and glance down, rearranging the flowers before tying them together. “I missed him.”
“Yeah, I can tell.” She gives me a gentle smile. “What about you and Max? How long has that been going on?”
“Um.” I glance up at her. “What?”
She freezes for half a second before giving me a sheepish look. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a secret.”
“It’s not exactly.” I shrug. “I guess I just don’t want Rowan hearing about it. I don’t want to make it awkward for him since Max is his boss. Plus, they don’t actually know I’m into guys.”
She fiddles with the ribbon around a vase, fussing with it even though it’s already perfect. “That seems like something you would’ve told them.”
“We barely talk anymore,” I reply. “And that’s my fault. But I don’t know. It’s just never come up.”
The truth is, I’m kind of worried about telling them. Not because I’m gay, but because of Grant. I don’t want them thinking he broke something in me.
I’m afraid what happened with Grant colored how they looked at me. How they’ll continue to look at me. Or maybe I’m just projecting. Maybe I’m the one who’s let it color everything.
