He groaned into her mouth. “Your gravesterror was to despair. You should have told me sooner.”
She leaned into him, her hands slid up hisarms and linked around his neck. “You do not judge me?” she asked,some part of her still unable to believe what was happening.
Nicholas took a ragged breath. “No more thanyou have judged me. It is your faith in me I find admirable. I wishI was as strong as you.”
“But you are strong. The strongest man I’veever known.”
Breathing hard, he stopped. And suddenly, hetook her arms from his neck. He broke away, leaned against a palmacross from her. Casual but not casual.
She straightened. “Forgive me, Nicholas. Ihave forgotten myself.” She turned to leave, wanted to be alone,anywhere away from the mortification she was drowning in.
“Don’t leave.” He rasped, stooped on hisheels, picked up a piece of driftwood and drew circles in the sand.“Can I ask you something?”
“Ask away.”
“How do you know we will be rescued? Whatmakes you so sure?”
Mystified, she wiped the tears from herface, stared at him. Had saying he was strong have something to dowith his mercurial change? “I’m not sure.”
“My life before…I was so sure of the world.And now it feels so remote. What is it you’re looking for?”
Instead of the warmth she felt in his arms amoment ago, she saw his detachment. She turned her gaze on thepalms lining the beach, and then to where pelicans weredive-bombing the stretched surface of the sea far out from theshore.I want you, Nicholas.She returned her gaze to him.Silent.
“Did you ever ask yourself why we survivedout of a whole ship of sailors? We could have drowned, yet we’rehere.”
He gave her a lop-sided smile.
“One thing I had when I was back in Englandwas structure. I knew my place. And then I had my family providedme a circle of strength. I’m away from England, from them. I justwant to wake up and be whole again. To realize my life.”
With certainty, he was stalling.There’ssomething else. Something he can’t seem to get out.
The horizon was edged with a silver tint anda cormorant flew into the place where the sun and the waterconverged. His wings were a blur of motion and he soon faded fromsight. She knelt in the sand. “I wish my heredity were proven, Iwish to have Molly back, I wish to have children, but it isimpossible. All I want is to not look forward or back. I just wantto be in the moment I’m in.”
He concentrated on digging in the sand, andthen looked at her. Agony lined his handsome face.
“Alexandra, there’s a woman back home. LadySusannah Tomkins.”
“A woman?”
He took a deep breath. “If I get home, LadySusannah and I are getting married.”
A dry sob burned her throat. She drew back,felt the blood drain from her face. Of course, he’d havea wife. Hewas to be a Duke. Duke’s had to produce heirs.
Her head spun. Of course. How stupid she’dbeen. So why did she feel so betrayed…as if he’d delivered a knifeto her heart. “Oh…well.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you, Alexandra. Ican’t make commitments. I have a duty. I have a life waiting forme. I’m sorry.”
Her stomach rolled. Suddenly nauseous, shestood, her legs wobbly. “Of course.”
“She is waiting for me. We had announced ourbetrothal a month before I was kidnapped. I’ve made promises.”
Anger and grief bled from his voice.
“She’s a perfect match and she pleases myfather.”
Stupid. God, she’d been so stupid,believing her own fantasies.Bile rose in her throat. Sheturned…and ran…before she vomited, before she made a further foolof herself.
Alexandra ran and ran, tears flowing, armsthrashing at the air and the invisible visions of a life that wouldalways be just out of her reach. It was her fault for having daredto dream. If she’d known, she’d never have revealed her darkestsecret. To be that susceptible, that vulnerable to a man who nevercared.
