He may be as blurry as fuck, but I can still see his eye roll. Cheeky little git. I allow him far too many liberties.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says.
Well, that’s a relief. Sammy may be an annoying little shit, but I don’t want anything to happen to him. Especially not because of me and my drama.
“Who were they?” I ask.
Sammy shrugs. “No clue. They were all super hot. Are you hanging out with porn stars again?”
I snort and slam my empty glass on the bar to get the stupid bartender’s attention. I’m glad it was just Gray’s friends and notany of Nikolai’s associates tracking me down. It means Sammy is still safe.
But what the fuck were the harem boys doing at my house?
Before destroying my phone in a fit of destructive rage, I sent a message to the stupid group chat, letting them know that Gray has gone back to Hell. I have no idea why they feel the need to come talk to me in person about it. What else is there to say? Nothing. There is nothing. Gray is gone, and he is never coming back. There is fuck all to chat about.
If they want to berate me, they can go do one. I don’t need anyone telling me what a failure I am. I’m perfectly capable of assessing that for myself, thank you very much. And if they want to make sure I haven’t murdered Gray and buried him in the back garden, they can…they can…Actually, that is quite reasonable. I’m going to have to check in with them. Tomorrow. When I can see straight.
“Mal, what is going on?” says Sammy.
“Told you. Been dumped.” I growl.
He doesn’t need to know anymore than that. And he is a mundane. There is plenty he cannot know. Besides, all the paranormal stuff doesn’t matter. It is ornamentation. The man I love has dumped my ass and walked away. That is what it boils down to. The fact he is a demon and has gone back to Hell, is irrelevant. It doesn’t change my pain. My heart is broken. My suffering is universal.
Sammy places his hand on my arm. “I’ve never seen you like this. Just find someone else to fuck.”
I snatch my arm away from his touch. Fuck him. How dare he suggest such a thing? I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to merely fuck. Fucking has got fuck all to do with it. I want Gray. His company, his presence. His sweetness. Soft smiles and gentle purrs. The way he makes a sunrise seem like an awe-inspiring miracle. And acts as if a cup of cheap hot chocolate is the nectar of the gods.
I need him. More than I need oxygen.
Just find someone else,is the most insulting, abhorrent sentence I have ever heard.
Sammy steps back from me, hands raised in surrender. Shit, I think I just spewed out a load of aggressive swear words. Completely incoherent ones. But it seems my fury was clear enough.
“Just leave me alone,” I mumble.
I’m in no fit state for company. And I don’t want to continue to take my foul mood out on Sammy. It is not his fault he doesn’t understand. He will be safer if he leaves.
“Fine,” he snaps.
And just like that, he is gone. Little shit. Though I suppose it is disingenuous of me to grumble about him doing exactly what I told him to do. Still, it would have been nice if he had put up at least a token fight.
“I think you’ve had enough,” says the bartender, finally appearing out of nowhere.
I fix him with my very best glare, and soon there is a new row of drinks in front of me. That’s more like it. Much better. If I keep going at this pace, I might be able to pass out in a few hours and then everything will stop hurting. Can’t feel anything when you are unconscious.
In the meantime, I just have to grin and bear it. Do my best to ignore my stupid mind that is insisting on replaying every single moment I fucked up with Gray. All the very many times I could have treated him better. All the missed opportunities to confess the truth.
I’m such a fucking idiot. I don’t deserve him. But I could have had him. I could have made him happy. A perfect future was within my grasp, and I let it slip through my fingers.
And now I get to spend the rest of my long life regretting everything. I’m going to be bitter and twisted and alone.
A deranged sounding laugh bubbles out of my chest. No change there then. I’ve always been a moody bastard. A nasty piece ofwork. Except now, I know what I am missing. I know what happiness feels like. I know I have it in me to want to be a better person.
A lifetime of protecting Gray and making him happy would have been wonderful.
I nearly choke on my drink. Is Gray happy now? Is he better off without me? Are his friends looking after him? Is he safe? I don’t think he needs to feed while in Hell, but what if he does? Are the ways I’ve taught him going to be enough?
Fuck. I’m going to have a heart attack and throw up all at the same time. I never knew I could feel emotions so viscerally before. It’s horrible. My mind and body teaming up together to torment me. Well, fuck them. I’ll show them who’s boss. When I’m drunk enough, they won’t be able to torture me. I’ll finally be able to find some peace. For a little while at least.
