“Why? Because you say so?” he spits.
I have no words. He has clearly been taught to accept his abuse. My heart bleeds for him and everything he had to suffer because the people who should have protected him did not. It’s unfair. He didn’t deserve to be treated that way. No child does. No wonder he is a hostile jerk. He has learned that people are cruel. He probably doesn’t let anyone in.
“Stop looking at me like that!” he growls and looks away, clearly uncomfortable.
I’ve upset him, and I hate it. He is trapped here, kneeling before me. Talk about awkward. My mind scrambles for a way to fix this, but comes up blank. I don’t know what to do.
“Sorry,” I whisper forlornly. It’s better than nothing.
He doesn’t look at me. I want to rewind time. Take all my words and pitying reactions back. I want to rewind even further and fix his past. Protect him. Make it so it never happened. It’s a stupid, pointless thing to crave but the strength of my longing burns in my soul.
He is still not looking at me, and every line of his body radiates belligerence. With a sinking heart I realize he is going to hate me even more now. The one time he talks to me and says something meaningful, actually opening up, and I react like this and make him regret it.
He is never going to utter another word to me again.
It’s awful and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I’m useless and impotent and I don’t like the feeling at all.
“Get ready, boys!”
Fuck, now I have to act all lustful. Our brief exchange of lines are not going to take long and then it’s going to be close ups of my face while I act out the pleasure of receiving a blow job.
I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do it. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to enjoy a real blow job ever again. My thoughts are just going to go straight to what Mackenzie just told me.
“Don’t fuck this up. I don’t want to do retakes all day,” says Mackenzie snidely.
His tone gets my back up. I haven’t fucked up once since filming. There have been zero retakes because of me. I am just as professional as he is. He has no reason to look down on me. If I’m looking wobbly, it is because I am feeling compassion for him. Kindness is not weakness. Though he clearly thinks otherwise.
Determination to prove him wrong floods me with strength. I can do this. This is my career, my passion, my life. He will not mess it up for me. Making me concerned for him and then being a jerk when I react like a decent human being.
I really have to stop letting Mackenzie Jones get under my skin.
Chapter nine
Thesunisstillshining when I leave the studio. I will never get used to the weather here. It will always feel like a beautiful day and not just a normal one. My mind expects gray clouds and rain.
It’s nice to get off early. The schedule for the rest of the day doesn’t include any of my scenes. Part of me wanted to stay and watch Mackenzie work, but screw him. There is probably lots I can learn from observing him, but I’ve had enough. I need to get away so that’s what I’m doing.
I like driving in LA. It’s different from London. It also reminds me of playing Grand Theft Auto as a teenager. I never thought I would be driving these streets for real. The thought reminds me that I need to call my mom. Familiar feelings of guilt start to get their claws into me. She is still stuck in that grotty flat, while I’m here living my best life. She is as stubborn as hell and won’t fly out here or accept any help from me. I still feel bad though. I need to keep pestering her.
I take a right turn and notice a small blue car is still right behind me. I’m sure it has been there since I pulled out of the studio car park. It’s got to be a coincidence. This is real life, not a Bond film.
Sure enough, I turn into my street and the blue car carries on. It’s not following me. I park in my driveway and jog into the house. Liliah is out so I have the place to myself. The peace and quiet feels like a luxury. I’m an extrovert on the whole but sometimes there is nothing like a bit of solitude to recharge the batteries.
Snacks in front of the telly sound great. Then I can do an extra long work-out to burn the naughty calories off. I enjoy working out, so my plan sounds great. Two fun activities. The best kind of day, and I’m not going to think about Mackenzie at all. Not what he told me. Not what a rude jerk he is. Not how much I still want him. Nope, he is not going to cross my mind at all.
A few hours later, Liliah is home and dishing up dinner. My afternoon went exactly as planned. Except for the not thinking about Mackenzie part. A tasty meal and Liliah’s company should solve that. Distraction is my only hope at this point. She hands me a plate of tuna pasta bake and my eyes light up. Carbs. It is a good day.
She is just about to join me at the dining table when she pauses by the window.
“Babe, have you seen this blue car parked outside?”
I get up to join her and look outside. It’s dark now, but I’m fairly certain it is the small blue car that seemed to follow me earlier. All the houses on our street have wide driveways, so it is strange to see something parked on the road. A quick glance at the neighbors confirms no one’s driveway is full. There is no party going on or anything.
I pull up the security camera footage on my phone and zoom in. It looks like there is a woman with long hair sitting in the car.
“I’ll go talk to her,” I say.
Liliah grabs my arm. “No! Babe! It could be dangerous!”
