“It’s what?”
His lips twist. “It’s the only time that nothing has to make sense. It’s just me, my breaths, my heartbeat, and the rest of the world could cease to exist in that moment and I wouldn’t care.” He slips off my shoes and socks and rests my feet on his legs, pressing his palms to them.
I curl my toes into the denim, never wanting to lose our touch. “That’s why I left. There was never any moment of grand hope that I would beat cancer.Anyonewho beats terminal cancer byanymeans possible is a bloody miracle. I’m many things, but I never thought I’d be a miracle. I needed for once to find my breath, feel my heartbeat, and let the rest of the world…fade away. I wanted to die without fear or regret. I wanted to find a shred of meaning to my life.”
I shake my head as his hands ghost along my bare feet. “I think so many things in my life fed the disease, and when I truly let go of all of it… it had nothing left to feed on.”
Theo looks up and I don’t feel crazy or judged. I wish Daniel could have looked at me like this. Just once.
“I needed out, and I couldn’t really explain it. I had to leave.”
He nods slowly.
“That’s why I won’t hold on to you. If you still have to leave, knowing how desperately I want you to stay, then I won’t stand in the way.”
His chin dips down and his throat bobs. “I’ll try to come back,” he mumbles.
I don’t want even a thread of a promise, a possibility that will leave me constantly holding my breath—waiting, hoping, dying a little each day he doesn’t return.
“I won’t wait for you.”
I detect a hint of a nod. Is it as painful for him to think about me not being here if he does return as it is for me thinking about him not returning? If so, then Karma is back on her game today.
Leaning forward, I playfully tug his beard until he looks up at me. I don’t imagine Theodore Reed has shed a tear since his parents died, but right now, I swear I see tears in his bloodshot eyes.
“If there’s another life after this one, we should make a date.”
The corner of his mouth curls a bit.
“Food. Small talk. Maybe I say something that makes you grin. Maybe you say something that makes me giggle. Maybe the food is crap so we drink too much wine. Maybe the full moon beckons us to the beach where we walk in the shadows of the night. Maybe you tell me something about yourself. But maybe… just maybe it’s something so honest I can’t help but fallin love with you. And maybe you build me a house and fill it with hundreds of plants and even a dog. I’ve never had a dog.”
He cradles my face in his hands as I do his in mine, and we just… breathe in… and breathe out…
One.
Two.
Three.
“It’s a date.” He smiles and I cry.
Fuck it. Life is too short to hold in a single tear, a single laugh, a single breath. Biology is how we exist. Emotions are how welive.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
My name is Scarlet Stone, and I see the people around me as opportunities to see different sides of myself.
“What’s with thechair?” Theo asks, one arm folded behind his head, his other hugging me to his side, his hand cupping my breast.
I look out the bedroom door to the perfect view of my picnic chair. “Now? Really? Now you’ve decided to be observant?”
“And these sheets… fucking hideous.”
Resting my chin on his chest, I bite back my grin, content with just looking at him. “Anything else?”
He dips his head toward me. “Your hair.”
“It’s short. Lie to me. This is one thing I don’t want you to have an opinion on. I cut it. It will be a very long time before it grows back out, but had I had chemo I probably would have lost it anyway so—”
