“It buys me six more months at best,” I whisper. “Six miserable months of having poison in my veins killing me as fast as the cancer. Six more months of practically living in a hospital.Six months of waiting to die. I won’t do it. I feel fine today, and I might feel fine tomorrow and the next day.”
“The wedding …”
I frown. “There’s not going to be a wedding.”
“We can move it forward.”
I laugh, pushing him away and wiping my tears. “We could. But really… why?”
“I’m supposed to leave next week.”
I press my salty, tear-stained lips together as I shake my head. “I’m not asking you to stay.”
“Fucking hell, Scarlet! What is that supposed to mean?”
“All the reasons you fell in love with me no longer exist. All the reasonswefell in love no longer exist.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not true.”
“You almost married another woman, but you didn’t. And why was that?”
“Scarlet, don’t do this.”
“You didn’t marry her because you knew that her dreams of babies and big fluffy dogs would lead to missed opportunities. You were, and still are, unapologetically married to your career.” I fist my hands at my heart. “That’s what made me love you—your ambition, your desire to live every single second to the absolute fullest. Don’t give that up for me or anyone else. It’s not selfish, it’s admirable and commendable and… beautiful.”
I hug his back, he laces our fingers together over his chest.
“If you stay. I will die. If you leave. I will die.” I move around to face him.
He blinks and big, fat tears roll down his cheeks. He’s seen me cry once since he’s known me, but I’veneverseen him cry until now—not even when his father died.
I brush my thumbs along his cheeks. “Daniel, I won’t be responsible for your missed opportunity. Do this for me. It’s my dying wish.”
“Jesus Christ, Scarlet…” his voice breaks “…I’m not leaving you to die alone.”
“If you don’t leave… I will.” It’s cruel, I know it, but I hope someday he will not see this as me being selfish. I hope he will see this as exactly what it’s meant to be—my love for him, a quick break instead of a long suffering for both of us. I hope by the time I’m dead, he will have already grieved my loss and found his footing in life again with a brilliant career.
He collapses to his knees and hugs my waist. I run my hands through his hair, memorizing how it feels against my skin. Touch. I will miss his touch.
“Fuck you, Scarlet Stone. Fuck you for taking my heart. Fuck you for… for…” he sobs.
“Fuck me for dying,” I whisper as I fall to my knees and hug him.
I. Really. Fucking. Hate. This. Life.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
My name is Scarlet Stone and my first concert was Rod Stewart. In the front row, where the sweat dripped from the sexiest man alive and the roar of the crowd shook the stadium, I vowed to one day marry a rock star.
Salmon make thelong and grueling journey up their natal river to spawn once and die where their life began. No one tells them to do it. They have this instinct that drives them.
Nolan can’t explain how he senses things that no one else can. He just does. I can’t explain why I chose to leave London and return to my place of birth to die. I did it on instinct. Maybe this is where my circle of life ends. All I know for sure is I want to know why. Not why do I have cancer. Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? Did I do what I was placed on this earth to do?
Nolan stops the car in my drive. “My father is a terrible husband, and I’m not sure he has that many redeemable qualities in general. But… she loves him. He will never change. I could take him away from her. I could give him exactly what he deserves, but losing him would be the final straw, and… I think she’s barely hanging on. One day she’s going to remember what happened and that will obliterate her whole world.”
I shake my head. “I don’t understand.”
Nolan’s hand rests on mine over the console. “You don’t have to. I just needed to say the words aloud to remind myself why I let this go on. Have you ever had this desperate need to say what’s been going through your mind for years and it didn’t even matter if anyone else understood?”
