Jack snatches hold of my hand before I can retreat entirely and pins it down on the duvet between us like he just beat me in an arm-wrestling match. "Fuck off with your misplaced guilt, Leo," Jack grumbles at me in annoyance. "Your dad was probably the best handler we ever had. But then he aborted a mission to save me and Dan from getting captured, and OI wouldn't let him do it anymore. I guess they thought he wassympathisingwith us too much."
Although his reveal that my father protected him and Dan does shock me, it doesn't change the fundamental fact of what he did to them. "I think maybe he was the one who brought you in to be experimented on in the first place," I admit to Jack, expelling it like bile clogged in my throat.
"He was," Jack confirms with an ease I don't understand. I expected the news to upset him. I expected a blast of fury to be aimed squarely in my direction. "He told me on our second mission together," Jack explains when he notices the confusion on my face. "Said he was sorry, but he had to do it."
"Hehadto?" I demand incredulously. "What the hell does that mean?"
"OI wanted to take Rex andyoufor the experiment." Jack scowls fiercely and gives my trapped hand an extra-hard squeeze, like the idea of that bothers him as much as the reverse does me. "Your dad said he would get other children for them in exchange for excluding you and Rex. He was protecting his family, and I could tell it killed him to do it. He hated himself."
It's beyond bizarre to lie here and listen to Jack defend my father, the man who played a significant role in destroying his life. "Then why the hell would he stay with OI after all that?" I don't know if I'm asking Jack, so much as I'm wanting to demand an explanation from my father.
"You think OI would settle for one payment from your dad?" Jack scoffs, anger finally sparking to life in his eyes. "Nah. He was on the hook for life. Working for them was his way of keeping everyone he loved safe." His voice softens, a rare occurrence from my perpetually blunt partner. "I'm not telling you how to feel about your own father, Leo. But honestly, I'm not pissed at him."
He makes it sound so bloody simple when it isn't. Can't be. It certainly isn't for me.
"Seriously? I don't get it. Why wouldn't you just kill him the second you found out?"
I'm not sure why I'm pushing this so hard. It's not like I want Jack to resent me for what my father did, but it feels weird after I’ve spent so many years hating him for being such a terrible human being. As much as it hurt when he imploded my childhood and sent my mum into a downward spiral that she has never recovered from, the thought of all the innocent people he killed or damaged on OI's orders is worse.
"Kill him?" Jack gets this perplexed expression on his face that would be comical in any other scenario. "What for?"
I have to resist the urge to reach over and flick my nightmare of a partner in the eye. "Oh, I don't know, Jack, maybe because he kidnapped you so an evil organisation couldexperimenton you?"
"Yeah, and?" Jack appears completely bemused, like the concept of justified retribution is utterly foreign to him. "Killing your dad wouldn't change that."
"Hold on." My head is starting to hurt with all the whiplash Jack's bizarrely diplomatic responses are causing. “So you're willing to kill a whole load of strangers but not someone who hurt you directly?"
"How many times do I need to explain this?" Jack growls at me in frustration. "That was the mission. It wasn't about me, it was about Rohan. Killing your dad wouldn't have been a mission, it would've been personal, and I don't go in for all that revenge bullshit."
"Why not?" I ask, more curious than anything else at this point. Jack is usually so vocal and physically demonstrative about his rage towards anyone he deems an enemy, which is a whole hell of a lot of people. It's strange to hear him say he wouldn't use violence to enact the one thing no one could blame him for wanting: vengeance for what was done to him and his brother.
"Because I'm notJohn Wick, am I?" Jack exclaims indignantly. "I'm not a dramatic bitch."
"Bit bold of you"—I raise my eyebrows at him—"to call Mr. John Wick a dramatic bitch when I don't remember him throwing a bag full of severed heads onto the table of a cartoon-level evil arms dealer in any of his movies."
Jack ignores my flippancy. "What's done is done. I don't see the point in killing someone for what they did in the past. It won't help anyone."
It won'thelpanyone? Who is this person, and what did they do with my furious porcupine of a partner?
With Jack glaring back at me obstinately, it takes me a second or two to realise the obvious thing I've missed.
I remember when Jack told me about Dan taking back a piece of himself from OI by claiming his nickname as his true name. Then I remember Jack telling me about something his brother once said: "Never give them anything they'll fight to take."
"Wow." I stare at Jack in awe, feeling a soft twist of pride in the other man's resolve not to be completely distorted by OI's will. "They tried really hard to ruin you, didn't they? And you were like, fuck that noise, no. You don't get everything."
Jack puffs out a rush of air, his eyes shifting away like he doesn't want me to see how right I am. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he looks bashful.
His expression sinks abruptly into a glower, like something unpleasant just occurred to him. “You know I did just as much fucked-up shit as your dad did, don't you?"
"Jack, don't." I knock that down immediately. "It's not the same."
Jack's glower deepens. "Why the hell not?" he demands.
I scowl right back at him, unwilling to bow under his apparent disapproval. "Because you were an abused child who was given zero choice, and my father was a grown man who could have chosen to walk away at any point."
Jack makes a face at the word "abused." I'm fully aware of how much he dislikes that term being applied to what happened to him and his brother. God help any agency psychiatrist who tries to label Jack a "victim." He once spent an hour viciously complaining about the time Green dared to suggest he was a "trauma survivor."
"You're wrong. They used Dan to control me, just like they used you to control him. You can keep on hating him if you want, but if you're saying you won't condemn me for my actions under OI, it's stupid to hold the same crap against your dad." Jack’s voice softens. "Not when it hurts you so much to think he's an irredeemable monster."
