"And I still have like one hour until I get there. I had to stop for gas, and I just got on the interstate."
"Okay. Well, I hate that. I wanted to see you. What about tomorrow morning?"
My heart felt shattered at his words. I could imagine what he looked like by the sound of his voice, and selfishly, I wanted to do whatever it took to be next to him.
But he didn't need that. He was at the busiest time of his life, and he needed to focus. I saw an exit from the interstate, and I took it so that I could turn around.
"I'm uh, heading back to Colorado soon. And, honestly, I'm having trouble with how to tell my sister that… I'm not telling my sister that I like you or anything like that, so that makes it hard because I haven't told her where I'm going this morning. I just took off."
"Why didn't you tell her you like me?" It was an innocent question, and the sound of it made my heart ache.
I didn't know how to answer. "She expects me to come eat breakfast at the restaurant right now… and she thinks I'm going to hang out with her afterward. I haven't told her we have plans. It's not that I feel like she's jealous or competitive with me. But she's still hurting from Kai, and it's… I'm trying to help her be happy and help her focus on taking care of Luna." There was silence after I made that statement. It went on for a few seconds, and finally I said, "Alex?"
"Yeah, I'm here. I, uh, think you're saying you don't want to see me anymore."
"More like I can't."
"Yeah, well, I'd be lying if I said I was indifferent about it. That's sad for me, Josie. I wish there were something I could do to change it." His words were direct and sincere, and they caused a physical pang in my chest.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"So, you're not coming?"
"No. I mean, I was, but I turned around now. I hadn't even told my sister. I was just… not acting like myself."
Not acting like a coward,I thought. That was the truth. Going back to my solid life in Colorado seemed like the most Josie option.
"Are you saying that the Josie I'm getting to know isn't you acting like yourself?" He was being sincere, and my heart felt broken.
"Kind of," I said. "I mean, you know I do things with you that I don't normally do with other guys…"
I trailed off, and he said, "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
He was so sweet that I ached.
"No, you… if anything, you make me too… I'm really comfortable with you. It's other things in my life. It's just me. I'm the problem."
He let out a humorless laugh. "It's not you, it's me?" he said. "Josie, just turn around and come right now. Or come tomorrow. Please just reconsider. Come see me while you're still here."
I felt gut-wrenched. He was saying the exact thing I wanted him to say, and yet I still couldn’t go to him.
"Thank you," I said simply.
"I'll call you later if you want me to," he said. "Text me if you decide you want to talk, and I'll call you on my break later today."
"Okay," I said. "Thank you, Alex."
"All right, I'll talk to you soon."
I hung up with him, and I cried.
It was the middle of the morning on a beautiful, sunny day, and I could not stop crying. I had to blink and wipe away tears to be able to see to drive. I was crying from being sad about losing Alex. I thought itmight be a giant mistake to walk away from him, and yet I couldn’t muster up the courage to walk toward him.
I went back to Audrey's to take a cold shower and get myself together. I had to think rationally. I left Colorado days ago, thinking my life was on one track—the track where Luna is back with her mom and I start my new life, looking for a job back home. I would be near my parents with my built-in group of friends.
Then I ran into one guy, and I started making all these other plans that would be gigantic life changes. I was ashamed of myself for being so back and forth. I had now changed my mind twice. I felt like a horrible person. I felt like I needed to resolve some of my guilt, and without thinking, I called Marcus.
I had a three-minute conversation with him that was half-hatched and awkward. I spoke in code, so a simple statement took forever for me to spit out. At the end of it, he said, "So, you're saying you want to still apply for the job at the school, but that other thing with us is off? You want that to be just finished? You called me to tell me that?"
