"The whole thing came out really good, but right at the beginning, we got that shot with your dress and the camera on the floor. That color purple is so perfect."
"That's all you. You knew just what to do."
"Well, sometimes it happens like that. You get what you envision. And sometimes it doesn't. No guts, no glory. It did work out this time. The whole thing was perfect. Everyone did a good job. I was really happy with what we got tonight."
"Yay," I said.
"Hey, I'm sorry to get to the point, but time is scarce out here. I have to get up before dawn for some sunrise scenes coming up next week. I have to scout some things out for that. I wanted to see you tomorrow, though, if I can. I have a window between nine and noon. It's not enough time for me to make it to Missoula, but I would love to see you. Could you possibly come out here during that time?"
"I have Luna until nine or ten, so that will put me getting there as late as eleven."
"I wish you could still come," he said. "We could hang out for an hour and then you could stay as long as you want while we're filming."
Chapter 15
I talked to Alex for twenty minutes last night, but we needed to hang up so that we could get some rest. He was a diligent worker with his project, but he somehow made time to talk to me and show me attention. He was kind and loving toward me, and quite honestly, I felt like I wanted to give all of myself to him. I thought about the note he wrote and how he mentioned getting married. It seemed silly, but I felt that, too.
I went to bed feeling utterly in love, and somehow in my sleep that feeling turned to fear and dread.Was it my dreams?I did have bad dreams.Was it God telling me this was wrong?
I was overcome with a feeling of anxiety.
I couldn't let myself feel this much this fast.
I had gone to sleep feeling like we might live happily ever after. I thought it was an actual possibility that I would stay here and not go back to Colorado. I knew my niece would benefit from me being there, and then I started having feelings for Alex. It was easy to talk myself into thinking it was all meant to be.
I had gone to bed with a euphoric feeling, like I could have a new life with him, and I woke up feeling like it had all been such a bad idea. I even regretted being in that movie and felt like I hadprobably done something to embarrass myself while I was there. I started remembering the moments when I had been awkward and forgot all about the moments with Alex.
I couldn't stay here.
What was I supposed to say to my sister? 'I found somebody, I'm in love, and I'm moving here?' That would be ludicrous and so out of character for me. Plus, it would hurt her.And then what?He finishes the project in a few weeks, and I'm stuck in Montana while he's in California? I didn't want to face my sister for a situation that was going to eventually end in heartbreak.
I was tired from having Luna for a year while I studied for my master's degree. My parents had been a financial support, but they were impatient with my choice to go to grad school, and my choice to care for Luna only added to that. They wanted me to live with my decisions, so they let me do a lot of hard things for the last year that they probably could have helped with. They helped some with Luna, but they had left a lot of it to me, and I was exhausted from the effort. My schooling had just finished, and now Luna was back with her mom. I just needed a second to rest.
But I was worrying myself sick over a situation that was uncertain at best. I was mad at myself for having feelings about falling in love. I was mad at myself for giving pieces of myself to this guy that I had never given to anyone before. I had plans tomeet him that morning, and I dreaded it. I didn't dread it because I didn't like him. I dreaded it because I liked him too much. It wasn't like me to sit on laps and kiss guys in trailers and almost get caught. I was blinded by the lights and cameras, and I was disappointed in myself for it. I wanted to run back to Colorado and forget it all.
Dealing with my sister and Luna was already too mind-consuming to add dealing with my feelings for Alex. Dropping it all seemed like the most logical choice to make.
I went through the motions of getting Luna fed, dressed, and packed for her stay at her grandparents' house. They showed up at nine fifteen, and they talked to me for about thirty minutes.
I had already told Alex I was coming, and I numbly left for the ranch in Deer Lodge when they left my sister's house. I was running late, and my sister had no idea I was going back out there.
I had no idea why I was driving there.
I wasn't acting like myself.
I was blinded by love, and it was too much too soon. Even as I drove down the interstate, I knew I was going to turn around and go back to Missoula.
I called Alex, and he picked up on the first ring.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey. Are you almost here?"
My heart ached at the sound of his voice. He seemed eager to see me, and I had way too much of a bodily reaction to it.
"Noo," I said, regretfully. I hesitated because I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't coming. "I'm on my way right now," I said. "But it's late, they stayed forever talking to me. By the time I get there, we're basically going to have no time."
"Oh, no! I still have like two hours before I need to go to work."
