Kiara nodded, tucking her feet beneath her. "It's good to have you home. I mean—" She glanced away. "Back at the estate."
Julian smiled at her correction. Home. The word resonated in a way he hadn't expected. "It's good to be back. Traveling is part of the job, but it’s wearing on me more than it used to."
"Is that why you seemed so tired when you got back yesterday?" she asked.
"Partly that. Partly the jetlag. Partly that I was just thinking about some things." He leaned back, letting the cushion take his weight. "It's been a crazy few months, you know?"
"I do know," Kiara said, her hand moving to rest on the curve of her belly.
Julian watched the gentle rise and fall of her hand with each breath. Something about the quiet intimacy of the moment, just the two of them bathed in firelight, made him want to be honest in a way he rarely was.
"I've been thinking a lot about becoming a father," he admitted. "About the kind of father I want to be."
Kiara's expression softened. "And what have you decided?"
"That I want to be better than my dad was." The words came out before he could filter them. "Don't get me wrong. Duncan provided everything we could ever need materially, but he wasn't… present, really. At least not until after the kidnapping. Then, he became obsessed with protecting us.”
“That’s kind of understandable, though.”
Julian nodded. “But I want to find a balance so our son doesn’t feel smothered.”
“I’ll help you with that.”
That was actually reassuring to Julian. They came from such different backgrounds that it might have caused problems. But since they both wanted something different from how they’d been raised, he had hopes that they could find some middle ground and figure out what was best for their son.
They talked for about an hour, each sharing things about their childhoods that they’d struggled with, and what they hoped to be able to do differently for their son.
It was enlightening for Julian, and in some ways, distressing as he learned more about the life Kiara had lived on the homestead. What made it even more difficult to hear was coming to understand in more detail what Angela also went through as a result of his actions as a kid.
“I’d better go to bed,” Kiara said after giving a big yawn. “Falling asleep out here isn’t an option since I have to be up for church tomorrow.”
Julian wished their time together didn’t have to end, but he could see she needed to rest.
He got to his feet, then held out his hand to Kiara. “Need a hand?”
“I’d like to say no,” she said as she reached out to take it. “But a lift would be nice.”
As he helped her to her feet, her belly bumped into his hip. He reached down and rested his hand on her stomach. “Hey, little guy, be good and let your mama sleep tonight.”
When he looked up, his gaze met and held Kiara’s. There was a sudden rush of emotions inside him that he didn’t know what to do with. He didn’t even recognize what all of them were.
But there was a longing to be able to go to bed with her. Not for anything more than to just hold her in the darkness and talk. To feel his son move beneath his hand as he listened to Kiara’s breaths deepen as she fell asleep.
Given that he’d never wanted to actually sleep with any of the women he’d been with, it was a new, confusing feeling.
“Thanks for the help,” Kiara said as she stepped back from him. A small smile crossed her face, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Julian stood watching her as she walked away, and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t understand what was happening inside of him, and as with so much lately, he didn’t know how to deal with it.
He slept fitfully that night, thoughts of the situation weighing heavily on his mind. When he got up the next morning, he still had no answers, but he had come to a certain realization.
Something had changed inside him over the past few months. It had started with getting sober and finally revealing the secretthat had weighed him down for so long. But it hadn’t stopped there.
The fact that he was feeling more at home on the estate was also a major change. But probably the strangest change was his willingness to attend church and to really hear about a faith that he’d previously had absolutely no interest in.
His feelings for Kiara were undergoing a shift as well. From not feeling one way or the other about her, to now feeling a great deal for her, he was experiencing emotions he’d never dealt with before.
Out in the kitchen after he’d gotten ready for church, he started the coffee, then looked in the fridge to see what he could make for them for breakfast. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a cook.
