“Not at all. She’s a sweetheart. We honestly don’t run into her all that often, being on different floors. But we do have frequent dinners together.”
“Sweet. How about Mia? Everything good? Is living together all you hoped it would be?” He told me she was at her mom’s, which means he can talk freely.
“I love it. We wouldn’t have moved this fast if she hadn’t been gone all that time, but now that we have, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. It’s crazy.”
“I’m happy for you. I guess when you know, you know, right?” Could that be any more leading or what? I’m not liable for my actions if he doesn’t say anything soon.
Lucky for me, he takes the bait. “No doubt, which is why I’m asking her to marry me. I’m planning something big.”
“Wow. That’s great. You mean you won’t throw it out in bed one night?” I love giving him shit about the first time he asked her.
He laughs. “Not this time. It’ll be something memorable, I promise. You’re the first person I’ve told, and I’m keeping it under wrapsso she has less chance to catch wind of it. I want you to be a part of it. Will you come back for a weekend to be here when I do it?”
Oh shit.
“Jackson, I’m up to my eyeballs with work. I’ve got clients looking for property and quite a few under contract. I don’t think I can make it anytime soon.” While none of that was a lie, it’s not the entire reason I’d like to avoid it.
“That’s okay. Tell me when you can, and I’ll set a date. Like I said, it’ll take a while to figure out, and I really want you to be included, so can you make it happen?”
“Uhhhh, let me look at my calendar.” I pull it up to look how far I’m booked out and what closings are coming up. “I don’t think I can come until the first week in April.” I feel bad it’s so far out, but at the same time, just thinking about going back makes me sick to my stomach, but maybe by then I’ll have a different mindset.
Eli and I haven’t spoken or exchanged a single text since I left. A clean break was probably best for both of us, but leaving the way I did still haunts me. I snuck out like a coward before he woke up and never said goodbye besides the note I left. The last night we spent together was so emotional and life-altering that I couldn’t bring myself to face him before walking away. Part of it was embarrassment at my reaction at the end of the night, which took me by surprise, and part of it was the impact that final moment had on me. I wish there was a quick fix to my issue with commitment, but no such luck. And until I work it out with my counselor, I’m conflicted by my decision.
“First week in April it is. No rush, but tell me when you book your ticket. And thank you, Cici. You keep pulling through for me. One of these days I need to return the favor. We’ve never talked about you and Eli, but I’m here if you need me.”
“We didn’t and we won’t. I’m not interfering in your friendship. Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. We had some fun. That’s all.”
“Then you’re right, we won’t talk about it, because the only thingI have to say to that is that you’re full of shit. But if you ever decide to have a real conversation, call me. Just remember, I’m your brother and I’ve got your back no matter what. Got it?”
“Okay. Thanks, Jackson. I love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
As much as I enjoy a good gossip sesh, I have no more brainpower for one, so Poppy will have to wait until tomorrow. After sending a quick text, I run upstairs to draw a bath before locking the front door and fixing a cup of tea to end the night. As I sink into the steaming hot water scented with my favorite lavender salts, my body instantly relaxes. Absorbing the silence of my life, I stare at the orchid, brought with me from San Diego, that sits on my bathroom counter. One tear falls, followed by another, then another, until they begin to spill in earnest. Soon, my body is shaking as tears turn to sobs.
With the regret, the frustration, the loneliness, the confusion, and the utter sadness that’s taken over my life, I’m constantly crying—something I never used to do. It would take a miracle for me to shed a tear, and even then, it was short-lived. Now, I cry at the drop of a hat. Sad movies, not so sad movies, fucking commercials even. I’m a fricking wreck, and I’m over it. My body is tired from all this emotional baggage, I can tell. I’ve been having a hard time getting up in the morning, which is yet another abnormal behavior I’ve seemed to develop since I’ve been back.
Am I depressed? Heartbroken? Homesick? All the above? I’d love a magic solution, but without one, I’m stuffing my face with food, working myself to the bone to stay busy, trying to ignore the fact that I’m miserable. If it weren’t for Poppy and her parents, I’d have thrown in the towel by now, but they’ve helped keep my head above water and even made things seem normal during my time with them. Although my parents and I reconciled and we talk every now and then, our relationship hasn’t gotten to the point where I’d feel comfortable discussing my problems. I have hope that we’ll reach that stage someday.
My counselor has been a saving grace these days. She eases so much of my worry that I can’t imagine how bad I’d be without her. The best thing was hearing that I’m not crazy and finally understanding why I couldn’t say yes to Eli. I still can’t believe it’s an actual disorder. Having a name for it was a relief for sure, but it didn’t make the hurt go away. That’s a slow process… but it is getting better.
Until tonight anyway. Thankfully, we’re meeting on Monday because I need a major intervention. First, hearing Lily is starting a family—wow. She’s married to the love of her life and trying for a baby. That’s huge. Then Jackson and his upcoming proposal to Mia. The two most important people in my life are settling down in their happily ever afters when it seems like I’ll never get mine. There’s nothing worse than feeling like a failure.
“I’m going to be alone forever,” I complain to Poppy at happy hour a week later.
“Hey, you’re preaching to the choir here, sister,” she says with raised brows.
“True, but you didn’t fuck up and say no to the one man you should be with. You just haven’t found the right guy yet. You will, though.”
“You will too. There’s not just one for everyone. Otherwise, how would people divorce and find another?”
“Because they screwed up and settled the first time?”
“Who knows, but I’m glad you at least gave it a shot with someone else. It wasn’t miserable, was it?”
She’s asking about the coffee date I finally went on today. My counselor agreed with Lily and Poppy that I should go. One hour is not a commitment, nor is it cheating on a nonexistent boyfriend.
“No, it was nice. Matt’s a great guy, and we have a lot in common.We’ll probably be friends, but I shouldn’t have gone on a date with someone from the office. That might have been an oversight on my part. After telling him we won’t be anything more than friends, it felt weird.”
