Cici’s eyes travel from her parents to me.
“I’m not sure I’m ready per se, but I have to return at some point since all my stuff is there, and I still have my condo. Even though I’m subleasing, I renewed my lease for another year four months ago, plus I want to show off my new purse at the office. I’ll be the envy of everyone.” She puckers and kisses in her brother’s direction.
Perhaps I should sweeten my marriage proposal with a LouisVuitton per day since she seems to like them so much. I’ve never understood the fascination, but if that’s what it takes….
“You can do real estate anywhere, honey. San Diego is an excellent market, and you know so many people here,” her mom chimes in.
That she’s suggesting Cici do something other than their family business shows how far they’ve come. I hoped their renewed relationship might sway Cici in my favor, but her independent streak is embedded into her core. My hope has been slowly diminishing throughout the week, my anxiety slowly taking over.
“I’m just not sure what I want to do.” She looks at me once again, and I can see her indecision. How can this be so difficult for her? I’ve laid myself out and shown her everything she could have by marrying me, but I’m still unsure where her head is. Damn the stubborn woman.
Jackson gets a phone call and leaves the room abruptly. I’m about to follow and walk off my frustration when Lily continues the conversation. “Well, luckily you don’t have to decide this minute since you’re staying through New Year’s, right?” This keeps me waiting in my seat for the answer and saves me from an embarrassingly abrupt departure.
“True. And who knows, maybe I’ll return to Bozeman only to change my mind.” She shrugs. Is this her way of delivering her answer? If so, I don’t accept it. She can tell me straight to my face if she’s turning me down. And although I hope that’s not the case, if it is, there’s no going back… for either of us.
10
HEAD VERSUS HEART
Cici
I’m a nervous wreck. Why did he make me sit on this until today? A rhetorical question since I know the answer. He’s aware of my irrational aversion to relationships. I’m not sure why I’m like this. It’s not like some major trauma steered me from commitment or anything. I’ve talked to Poppy and Lily practically every day, and I think they’re just as flabbergasted as I am.
Even in the eleventh hour, I’m counting on my leading ladies to keep me sane and my feet on the ground. Dialing Poppy, I bite my nail and bounce my leg, waiting for her to pick up.
“Did you change your mind?” she asks immediately.
“No,” I groan. “I don’t know.”
“Cici, I thought we went over this. If your mind is made up, it’s made up. If you’re confident it’s for the right reasons, then accept it and stop questioning yourself. Or if you are having doubts, you could always ask for more time?”
“I’m not having doubts.”Am I?“He’s amazing… and sweet… andcaring…. and so fricking gorgeous. Not to mention everything I’ve ever wanted in bed. Oh, and did I mention wealthy? And to top it off, he’s funnyand fun.Who says no to that?”
She’s quiet on the other end, letting me process my words and probably wondering how to talk me down from my crazy.
“Not only that, but I don’t have a valid reason to say no—except that I’m insane, and that’s not good enough. What am I doing, Poppy?”
“I think you’re letting your fear get the best of you and panicking over the fact that you love him.”
“I doooo….” The sob breaks free, and it goes downhill from there.
This whole week has been one giant sniffle fest. Between the sinus infection I got the day after Christmas and the constant crying, I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Luckily, the antibiotics have kicked in, and that part is somewhat better… but the crying, not so much.
Poppy talks me through this round of tears. “Cici, you’ve got this. You only need to say the words. It’s that simple. Stop worrying. And remember, you’ll be here tomorrow no matter what, and I’ll hold your hand through all the second-guessing you’ll inevitably be doing.” She listens to me sniffle a few more times before asking, “Will you be okay?”
“Yes…. I don’t know…. No. I mean, yes, I will be. I’ll pull it together soon. It’ll take a while to make myself look decent for the party tonight, so I need to get my shit together anyway.”
“Damn right you do. You’ve gotta be smokin’ hot. It’ll help with the nerves and give you a confidence boost. You’ve got this, girl. I have faith in you.”
“Thanks, Poppy. Thank you for talking me down from the ledge again. You’re right. I’ve got this. I’m good now,” I say, trying to convince myself more than reassure her. “God, I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me neither. I’ll pick you up, and you can tell me all about it on the way home.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow. Bye.”
“Bye, Cici. And no more doubting yourself.”
She hangs up before I can respond.
