I folded the sheet up and shoved it in my jacket pocket as Parker rounded up the group and got itstarted.
My attention was not really there, and everyone figured it out the second Parker said my name and it took him two tries before I answered, “Yes.”
“Did you want to sharetoday?”
I looked at all their faces, each bearing their own hurts and feelings. Could I bare my soul to them? There were things I could talk about, foremost in my mind,Murphy.
“There’s this guy. We had a thing before I shipped out on my final deployment. It was serious from what I read in the emails we shared. But then I didn’t remember him after I gotinjured.”
I glanced around, waiting for someone to tell me to shut up, my feelings weren’t valid, my injuries nothing to compared to theirs. But I didn’t see it, only smiling kind faces listening with attention. The tears started welling before I could continue. I hated to cry in front of people, even more so strangers. It made me feel weak andhelpless.
I shook my head and rolled my eyes around trying to keep them from falling. A fist clutching a tissue tapped my bicep, and I took it withoutlooking.
“No, that’s a lie. I didn’t remember him, but I knew about him from the emails. I knew somewhere in my heart that he’d take it bad when I didn’t come back. But, I was in the hospitals, and I didn’t have any hair, and I just kept making excuses not to go and seehim.”
The tears slipped down my cheeks, and I tried to catch them with the tissue before anyone else could see. A stupid sentiment as anyone with eyes could tell I was crying. It helped to think they couldn’t, so I continuedpretending.
I pretended just like I did with every other problem in my life. Murphy’s love didn’t matter compared to my loss. I only came back to find out what happened to my mom. All lies I told myself to push me into doing the hard things. The ones I knew would hurt likehell.
“I finally came back, and he reacted like I expected at first. Angry then happy to see me. But…” I stopped. These guys did not want to hear about our sexual disfunction two days into arelationship.
“Please, go on,” Parkerprompted.
I kept my focus on him now and let the tears go. Just pretending they weren’t plopping wet drops on my t-shirt.
“When I’m with him, I feel…normal. Like what I’m feeling or wanting or needing is okay. That I’m allowed to be myself. My feelings are important to someone. It’s intoxicating, and it helps shut down all the stuff going on in myhead.”
“You were trading in your disassociation for a different kind,” Parker noted. “Please, keep going if you wantto.”
I thought about Murphy, and I wondered if he’d be proud I was sharing our business with a group of strangers. “I think he realized I wasn’t giving him everything, and so we are sort of in limbo at themoment.”
It was as polite as I could put it without going into too muchdetail.
Fields spoke up this time. “Did you tell him all of this? And why you were doing the things youdid?”
His question smacked me upside the head. “Well, sort of, but notreally.”
Fields looked at Parker for confirmation before glancing back at me. “Well, maybe try that. If he cares about you, then he will listen, and you can work through it together. If that’s what youwant.”
Did I want to be with him? For him, and not because he could make my brain quiet for a minute? Part of me said absolutely. But another part still told me if I didn’t know who I was, how could I love someone like him? The way he deserved to beloved.
“I might be able to talk to him. After a fifth ofJack.”
A few chuckles went around the group, and Parker reached into a backpack behind the chair and pulled out a kraft brown notebook. He tossed it at me, and I stared down at the smooth, soft paper surface. “What do you want me to do withthis?”
“Whatever you want. Write in it, burn it, rip it to shreds. Sometimes journaling or writing out what you can’t get out of your mindhelps.”
A couple of the guys nodded, and I hugged the book to my chest. “Thank you for sharing, Mara,” Parker said before turning to another guy in thegroup.
For the first time, in all the time I could remember, I felt a little closer to normal. A human put on this Earth to do human things and not like some alien thrown in the center of a strange world to fend forherself.
The taxi picked me up, and the driver checked me out in the rear-view mirror. He was handsome with black curly hair and deep brown eyes. And his smile told me he’d be amenable to taking a break in my hotel room if Ioffered.
The promise of oblivion didn’t feel right with Murphy not attached. We hadn’t discussed officially what we were to each other, but it felt gross thinking about having sex with another man right now. I took his card and waved him off when he pulled out of the parkinglot.
I went to my room and found a box on the bed. Inside sat a cell phone with the post it on top showing the number. Underneath, a card jutted out from the folds of the bottom. I jerked it out and read Murphy’s quickscrawl.
I know you can take care of yourself. I get that, but I wanted to at least give you a way to contact me, or vice versa. X -Murphy
