Battered and Broken
Mara
What islove?
A chemical reaction in the brain to ensure the continued existence of a species? I knew it wasn’t magic. No suchthing.
I have to believe that in a world where magic existed, I wouldn’t have been left to bleed out in the sand. I would be able to tell this beautiful man I loved him too with absolute confidence. With unwaveringconviction.
Which wasn’t the truth. Did I want to love? Yes. But love didn’t save my life, or my memory, or even mysanity.
Murphy’s letters got me through a lot, but I didn’t know if I loved him. How couldI?
I pressed up on my tip toes and aligned my mouth with his ear, and whispered the one thing I could utter with demonstrable truth. “I wantyou.”
And Idid.
More than I wanted to unravel this town’s secrets. Right now, even more than I longed for the sweet mercy ofmemory.
He didn’t miss the fact I didn’t say the words back. But, I had a feeling he wasn’t going to push me onit.
“Now? Here?” he asked, his tone amenable andamused.
I jerked at the hem of his t-shirt and grazed my fingers against the warm solid flesh of his belly. “Right here. Rightnow.”
“You don’t want totalk?”
I froze with my fingers at the top button of his jeans. “You want totalk?”
Even in the darkness, I caught the hesitation on hisface.
“Here? Now?” I mocked as I pulled on the waistband of his jeans. He settled his fingers over mine and pried themloose.
I sighed and let go. “Okay, so we’re talking,” I said as I plopped on the edge of the bed. It gave an unnatural squeal of the springs before going silent again. At least the faint scent of industrial soap wafted up from the comforter at itsdisturbance.
Murphy flipped the light switch and illuminated the plane crash my life had morphed into. Coming home with zero knowledge, seeing Murphy, touching him, tasting him. Even now, the sight of his skin burned through my mind like an image imprinted in film with nothing but light thecatalyst.
He sat more gently next tome.
“So what are we talking about?” I prompted. The faster we got this over with, the faster we could do other things. Like fuck in as many positions as possible on as many flat surfaces available. And when we ran out of those, we could move to the floor. Although the dingy orange carpet looked like a badidea.
He shrugged. “Tell me something, anything, aboutyou.”
I rubbed my suddenly clammy hands on my jeans. “We’ve been talking about me since I gothere.”
He slid his hand across my lower back and leaned in. “I haven’t been able to talk about you for years. I just want to get to know you again. Going through what you endured changed you in more ways than justappearance.”
The room felt like it closed in on me, and I reached out to stop it. He took my hands in his own, but I didn’t halt at the clasp of his fingers. I threaded through his arms and pressed my cheek against his scratchyface.
The scent of him pulled me into a fog. and my mind cleared of the slowly descending pendulum threatening to slice me open. If it fell, then I would too. If it dropped, there would be no going back. If I broke, I would never be able to piece myself together again. I could feel the weight of it in my bones. There’s only so much a person can go through before their mind and body can’t takeanymore.
I reached that border ages ago. Murphy had been the only thing keeping me on this side of thesane.
I tilted my face up to kiss him, but he ducked back and searched my eyes. “What is it? You have that wild animal look about youagain.”
Not wanting to explain, I shook my head and ducked my chin so he couldn’t see it himself. It wouldn’t take him long to figure out, just as it didn’t take me long to figure itout.
I didn’t love Murphy yet. But for now, I needed him more than oxygen. He’d somehow become the tether keeping my battered soul from breaking free. I’d do whatever it took to keep him. That was simply basicsurvival.
