I almost flashed him a smile when I saw his mouth hanging open like he’d been about ready to spit out some crazy shit I probably wasn’t ready to get into, but I’d beat him to it. This way, I had hopes of distracting him, and with any luck, he’d forget it altogether.
“What happened with the ex?” I asked. When his lips turned down, I shook my head. “No clamming up on me now. He’s an idiot, and I hope to fuck you see that. This isn’t about what he is, though. It’s about you needing to talk about it. Clear the air. Get it off your chest. I’m here.”
He gave me a tired nod.
“You’re here,” he said, like he couldn’t believe I found myself wanting to listen to his story. “Ugh!”
He shifted until he was off my lap. His body flopped back into the the couch, and his head came to rest on the overstuffed arm, treating it like a leather pillow. He stared at the ceiling for a long minute, and I gave him time to get his thoughts together. I pulled his feet into my lap and started gently working my thumb into the arch of one.
“That feels so good,” he half-moaned and half-groaned. He took in a deep breath and held it. When he blew it out, I could seehim forcing himself to go to a place he wasn’t thrilled to go to. “I hate him.”
“Me too,” I added, sending him a small smile. He let out a huffed laugh, and it felt like some of the tension in his body had eased.
“I don’t know where to start,” he said with a shrug. “The first time we met was actually for a three-way scene…” His eyes shifted to look at me. I felt like he was studying me under a microscope. I stayed quiet, massaging his foot as I kept eye contact. “A mutual friend suggested the idea, and though I hadn’t seen his work, I figured it would be okay. We ended up talking after, and he asked me to go to dinner. I kept putting him off, until one day, he asked me, and I said yes.”
“How long were you together?”
“Five years,” he answered with a cringe. “I feel like such a fool.”
He groaned and covered his face with his arm. I let him have a few seconds to wallow, then I reached over and carefully pulled his arm down. The moment I got a look at his hazel eyes, I sent him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
“It was nice in the beginning. And I thought it was good… I don’t know. Now that I’ve been away from him and the relationship, I can see all the red flags I missed or purposely ignored. He never treated me like a partner. I was more of a possession. It was even worse when we did scenes together. I hate that I couldn’t see it then, and I also hate that Icansee it now.”
“Sometimes it’s hard for us to see these things. Especially when there are things that are good.” I wasn’t sure why I was even talking, it wasn’t like I had a damn clue about relationships or being in one.
“I found out he was cheating on me.” He shook his head. “We didn’t have an open relationship. It was one of the thingswe talked about in the beginning. I’m not opposed to being open, but I feel more secure in a monogamous relationship. And I know some people think it’s silly to be in porn and have scenes with people and still think they can consider their relationship monogamous, but that is—”
“Work,” I said. “Yeah, I get it. Makes sense. A relationship isn’t just about sex. Being open isn’t always just about sex, either. And if both of you agreed to put those boundaries on it, then you understood what those boundaries meant foryourlives.”
His smile was open and free. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I loved that it was aimed at me.
“Yeah, exactly. You get it.” His Adam’s apple bobbed with a swallow. “But then I found out he was sleeping with five other people. Not only that, but he had a full-on relationship with one of them. The other guy posted pictures of them going to dinner and stuff. It was really devastating.”
“Well, he sounds like a dick, and he definitely didn’t deserve you.”
“I agree with you, but it still doesn’t help me get over the part where I feel stupid. He took all my money. Fucking cleaned me out, and when I confronted him—at his new boyfriend’s apartment, which was three doors down from the one we had previously shared and I was still living in at the time, mind you—he just laughed at me and said there was nothing I could do. I knew I’d never see that money again.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I said, meaning it. I switched to his other foot, hoping it would help calm and relax him.
“It took me months to dig out of the hole he left me in. And then I saved up just enough to…” He sighed heavily. “It just feels like life has been laughing at me a lot lately.”
“Is it really so bad here?” I gruffly teased, trying to lighten the mood.
He shifted his gaze to me, lifting up on one elbow as he smiled.
“No,” he said softly. “Not at all. I’m glad I ended up here… with you.”
I was so damn choked up hearing those words from him that I couldn’t get anything out. My brain was screaming at me to tell him that I was glad he ended up here, too, but my heart was pounding so hard, I was worried I might need to get to a hospital.
“So… now I get to ask you something,” he said, and I couldn’t tell if he’d noticed the tension in the air. “When did you learn how to fix motorcycles?”
His question surprised me. I had really thought he’d try to dig deep into something, get to know the parts of me I kept pushed down.
“I was about fifteen,” I told him, drifting back to that time in my life. It felt like so damn long ago. “Was tryin’ to make a few quick bucks to buy some food. Dad wasn’t bringing home any money at that time. This old guy offered me a job in his shop. Everyone called him Little, but he wasn’t little at all.”
I let out a small laugh, thinking about the big man who was both tall and wide. His bald head was tattooed with skulls and flames. His knuckles read DEAD and PAIN. He was scary to look at, but his heart was big.
“Never knew his real name, but it didn’t matter,” I went on. “He put me to work cleaning his shop. Bullshit stuff, y’know, like wiping down the tools at night and making sure they were put away. He’d send me home with a bunch of groceries and a few bucks at the end of the day. Gradually, he began pulling me in and teaching me things. He even found this old bike for me to learn on, and once I got it fixed up, he taught me how to ride.”I let the fond memories in for a moment. “I worked there until I was about twenty-three.”
