“Sorry about that.” I can’t think of anything else to say. What’s the appropriate apology when your dysfunctional family ambushes you and your kind-of-but-not-really girlfriend?
Lily continues to soothe me. “Is he…” She holds the question in her mouth like she’s afraid of asking. “Always like that?”
“An asshole?” I chuckle sarcastically. “Yeah.”
I don’t know if she knows what he did, or how he did it, but she doesn’t pry.
“I mean, is he always so overtly authoritative with his kids?”
Locke and Billie’s shrinking figures come to mind. The loud boom of Keller’s voice and how quickly they respond to it, like it’s ingrained in them to do so.
I answer honestly, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen them like that, but it’s not like I have much to go off of.”
Liliana is the smartest person I know. She can put together the pieces of what I mean.
“We don’t have to go to that dinner if you don’t want to. I just said it so you could get out of there.” I steal another look at her, lower lip jutted out and begging to be kissed. “We can make an excuse to cancel.”
How is it that she’s able to recite the thoughts I had back in the mall? I want to cancel. No universe exists where I’d want to spend a night surrounded by my father, the family he loves, and the people who he’ll schmooze all night.
But in the midst of my anger, I remember Billie whispering between her goodbyes that she couldn’t wait to see us there, and I groan.
“No, we should go. I’d feel too guilty about ditching Billie on her birthday.”
Lily laughs. It goes against the thick tension hanging in the air, and when I glance over to her, she’s stifling more giggles behind her hand.
“What’s so funny?”
Her head shakes, rosy cheeks still creasing with humor. “Sorry. It’s not funny.”
“What’s not funny?”
“It’s just.” From the corner of my eye, she smiles. “I thought you didn’t see them as your siblings.”
“I don’t.”
Her laughter cuts, and the air goes back to being tense. I’m never short with Liliana. I don’t want to be, either, but talking about my family brings out the worst in me.
The sensation of her thumb rubbing over my skin is a sign that I thankfully haven’t spoken out of turn.
“Sorry. I’m not trying to annoy you. You were just acting very… brotherly towards Billie.”
“You could never annoy me.” I sigh, taking my right hand off the steering wheel to intertwine with hers. “Don’t apologize either. I’m sorry for being weird. Being around them just makes me feel…”
“Weird?”
“Yeah.”
My feelings towards the McCarthys have always been complicated. With my father, I know they’re a tangled mix of resentment and childhood distress. It’s my relationship with Billie and Locke that’s less defined.
“I don’t see them as my siblings. They’re people I share a father with. That doesn’t make them family.”
“That’s fair.” Silence hangs in the air for a few minutes, before Lily’s voice breaks through it. “But how do they view you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Billie seemed pretty excited to see you. And I heard her say she’s glad we’ll be going. Does she think of you as her brother, even if you don’t see yourself that way?”
While Locke is short, cold, and aloof, Billie’s always been nicer to me. I can’t deny that she’s tried to include me in conversation before, and at the McCarthy dinner I subjectedmyself to, she covered for me. It’s more than I would expect of her.
