“You had your moment to sit with your feelings. You’re allowed to have that. But it’s the night before your final is due, and you’re going to lay on this couch and wait for your boyfriend to fix your problems?”
“Well, yeah.” I sink deeper into the cushions, retreating from her. “What else am I supposed to do?”
“Lil. Really?” She nudges me with her foot, like I should know what she’s trying to say. I don’t. I nudge her back. “I’m not going to spell it out for you.”
“Spell out what?”
She shakes her head, walking backwards. Instinctively, I want to reach out for her, because Rosie has never looked at me like this before. “This isn’t the first final where Grant played a part in your make or break.”
I stand, stumble, and catch myself on the arm rest.
“Are you saying he’s going to leave me hanging again? He would never do that.”
“No.” She’s walking backward towards the hallway. “I’m pointing out parallels. You can do the rest. When the kickass, independent, do-it-all LilianaIcall my best friend bounces back, let me know.”
Rosie doesn’t say anything else, twists her body, and disappears into the hallway before shutting her bedroom door.
I slump back into the couch and analyze her words. Despite the fact that she’s right, and this isn’t the first time my final is resting in Grant’s hands, I didn’t think of our undergrad class at all.
The memory is clear. The helplessness when I realized Grant wouldn’t come. The acceptance that I’d have to do it all myself. If this is the parallel Rosie wants me to connect to, it’s working. The emotions are eerily similar to what I’m feeling now.
My teeth start chipping at my nail polish the further I think about it. Grant didn’t show. I did the presentation anyways,regardless of how messy it was. I went to my professor afterwards and fought for myself and my grade. There was no question if I deserved to pass. I did the work and pled my case for what I earned.
The baby blue color is coming off my nail completely. The parallels stop there. Last time this happened, I fought, and managed it in the end. Without relying on Grant’s help or anyone else’s.
It dawns on me how far I’ve fallen. Not once have I ever given up on my own worth, and even worse, I’ve never let the determining factor of my success come down to someone else. I wanted this grade so bad, I was willing to give anything for it. Including pieces of myself and my independence.
That isn’t the woman my parents raised. This isn’t me.
I stand up again, but without fumbling. Leaning into Grant to support me was the easy solution. I’m grateful he got me out of my slump and taught me so much about myself, but I’ve relied on him too heavily. This short story—that is supposed to be my first personal success—is laced with influences of him and none of my own. The responsibility of finishing this assignment shouldn’t fall to him, either.
This is supposed to be for me.
I nod to myself, stomp to the desk I’ve left messy and chaotic, and make space for my laptop. It’s not the end until I say it is.
thirty
GRANT
“Yeah,it was in the bag. I was going to bring it back to you once we got home next week.”
Heath’s confirmation of my thoughts are both amazing and horrible. We’ve figured out where the USB is, but I was right that they’ve just reached Pennsylvania.
From the corner of my eye, Locke grimaces and falls further into the passenger seat.
We’ve spent hours talking in my car, and while he was dishing about Keller’s hated business partner who is trying to buy out of the company, Lily called. The hopeless and unnatural tone of her voice cracked through my heart.
I can’t let her down again.
“Could you upload the file and email it to me or something?”
Heath yawns from the other end of the call, and I realize how late it is, the sunset having shifted into a skyline of building lights and a dark sky.
“I didn’t bring a laptop. Paris probably has one in her hotel room, but she’s staying with the company. If I do see her before her acceptance speech, it wouldn’t be until late morning.”
Fuck. Okay. That’s not ideal, but this could still work. If the timing lines up, Heath could email me a copy of Lily’s assignment and I’ll put it onto a new USB. I just need the puzzle pieces to fall into place.
I run the plan by Heath. He reminds me nothing is guaranteed, and he can’t mess up Paris’ schedule, but he’ll try his hardest to make it work. For now, I’ll hold onto that hope.
