It was no help. If anything, I think it made me more confused.
Not wanting to hold up their road trip to Pittsburgh any longer, I let them get on their way, just as confused as I was before.
I’m still coming to terms with what the conversation with Derek taught me. By talking to him, I realized how deeply alone he felt in his toxic relationship. It’s not an excuse for hislack of communication, but my grudge doesn’t excuse a lack of empathy, either.
That night forced me into reflection. I faced the fact that maybe I push blame onto people, even if they’re not fully at fault. Sometimes, they’re not to blame at all. And maybe I’m too stubborn for my own good. I was too stubborn to give up on Liliana. Too stubborn to forgive people when they’ve done wrong in my eyes.
I’ve been trying to process it for days in preparation for this.
The hour car ride is consumed by things I could say, and how Locke could respond. Even with my self-revelations, I don’t completely understand him. I’ve become so used to resenting him in place of my father, that my brain defaults to it.
When I try to consider what his life might look like, it ping pongs between his scared expression when Keller yelled at him, and the years of seeing them in press photos.
Gripping my steering wheel harder, I will myself not to judge before speaking to him. Liliana believes in something here. Enough that she talked to Billie about it, brought it to me, and sent me on this journey. I trust her, and I trust that. I’ll follow it until I’m proven wrong.
Locke doesn’t live in the campus dorms like I thought.
It took 15 minutes of pep talking to build up the nerve to call him. Four rings until he answered. Through awkward fumbling, because I’ve never talked to him over a phone call before, he gives me his address and agrees to meet me outside the apartment building.
Locke doesn’t look like himself in the passenger seat of my car. The call was abrupt, and it was barely a five-minute drive before he came outside. But never would I have imaged his prim and proper frame draped in a Spider-man t-shirt and pajama pants combo, hair messy like he’s just gotten out of bed.
It’s the exact opposite of how I’ve always seen him. Here, he just looks like… a guy.
It’s throwing me off. I wish I succeeded in planning what I wanted to say, because I’m still at a loss.
“Thanks for coming out here so last minute.” I manage awkwardly. It’s a start.
“Of course.”
What Liliana said about Billie has me analyzing every choice Locke is making tonight. If my half-sister “admires me,” does the same go for him? If he doesn’t think highly of me in some sense, he wouldn’t be so willing to trudge out of his apartment last minute, on a night of finals week.
It motivates me to say something. I search my brain for everything I’ve ever thought about Locke.
He’s my father’s perfect son. He makes me feel inferior, and resentful. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because of Keller. He speaks in short sentences and is always fidgety. As far as interactions go, he and I never seem too enthusiastic about talking to each other.
Whether he thinks like Billie, or shares the same resentment I do, I don’t know. None of my information about him convinces me a certain way.
I don’t know if this is the conversation Lily had in mind, but I can’t think of any other way to start.
“I think this might get awkward, but I have to ask.” I don’t have to, but I’m fumbling to put my thoughts into sentences. “Do you have something against me?”
His lips stretch into a thin line. If he admits he enjoys watching me fumble from the sidelines of his family, I’ll know the resentment is shared. That’s expected. I can unpack it.
If he says no… I’m not prepared for that. But after repatching what was broken with Derek, I have faith I can figure this out, too.
He clears his throat. “Of course not.”
Locke doesn’t talk much. Memories of his voice are blurry, but I don’t remember it sounding so defeated. He’s staring out into the neighborhood street and avoiding eye contact with me. There’s only one direction I can see this conversation going. I’m not sure if it’s the most effective, but it’s all I’ve got.
“Okay. I think I have something against you.”
I wait for him to be offended. Maybe move to leave my car or change his previous answer and say our father should’ve left me in the shadows where I belong.
Instead, he nods.
“I know.”
“You do?”
