It means nothing that I felt compelled to steal his scarf, and now I have it wrapped around my neck while I cuddle my pillow, which I redressed with the shirt Clara wore last night.
Would the two of them get along? I should’ve asked Clarahow her conversation went with Gabriel while Katy distracted me.
Not that anything could happen between me and Gabriel, but if Clara thought it was a good idea after talking to him, maybe I could be persuaded to at least entertain the idea of him being my Alpha, instead of burying my desire.
There’s nothing that says an Omega’s Beta and Alpha need to have a relationship, but in a perfect world, that’s how it would be for me. I’d have both of them.
It’s strange, feeling so drawn to Gabriel when I don’t know him outside of a work capacity. I don’t need to examine it when it comes to Clara; I know exactly what this feeling is.
I’m in love with her.
The pull to Gabriel is different. More primal. Something undeniable that goes beyond attraction and emotions, pulling from the very core of my being.
It’s all very confusing, and I have no idea how to handle this. In an ideal world, I’d tell Clara how deep my love for her goes, and she’d tell me she feels the same way, and then together, we’d pursue Gabriel, I’d bond them both, and we’d live happily ever after.
But that’s selfish. How am I supposed to ask her to pursue someone just because I want to?
I’m getting ahead of myself.
The Christmas present Gabriel gave me sits shoved against the wall of my nest, and I eyeball it. Should I wait until Christmas to open it? Should I push it under our tiny, table-top tree?
I really don’t want to.
I’m feeling fragile after last night, my heart aches knowing I won’t hold Clara again, and my Omega side is crying because the suppressants are still active, preventing me from smelling her pheromones in my nest.
Will they still linger in the air by the time I get that sense back?
Do I want them to?
I know there is no avoiding it. In a few days, my system will be clear, and I’ll finally know if Clara is my scent match.
If she is, then, well, I can hope she’ll at least give me a chance to tell her how I feel before she rejects me. Scent matches are something to be celebrated. It’s foolish of me to hope for it, but I can’t help but beg the universe to make it happen.
Not being my scent match doesn’t mean there is no hope for us. Most people don’t find their scent matches. But it would remove a hurdle. It would be the perfect excuse to push through our friendship barriers and broach the subject with her.
If she’s not my match, I will have to go right back on my suppressants. It would hurt too much to be surrounded by her pheromones, knowing that she’s not supposed to be mine.
There is also no way I could go to work without going back on them. The chance that I wouldn’t scent match with Gabriel, either, is too high, and I can’t handle two heartbreaks like that back to back.
Maybe I shouldn’t risk it at all. I still have the prescription. I should go back on them, and not risk the heartache of finding out neither of them is mine.
I can be with someone who isn’t my scent match. I can. Everyone else does it.
But my stupid heart won’t let me. I’ve spent my whole life consuming media about the magic of a scent match, and I want that. My parents are scent matches. My mom, an Alpha, met my dad, an Omega, on a foreign exchange program in Germany, and he followed her back to the States.
From a young age, I told them I wanted a love like theirs,and they promised me it was out there, waiting for me, if only I were brave enough to grab it.
Now that I will soon know for sure if Clara is my scent match, I’m second-guessing everything.
Fuck, I feel like an idiot. Why can’t I just talk to her? Why am I playing games, hoping to trap her by exposing her to my pheromones? Shouldn’t I tell her how I feel before we get to that point?
What if she only wants me because we’re a scent match and she thinks she’s supposed to, and I strong-arm her into a relationship because of it?
Holidays are a time for miracles, right? For everyone to get what they want?
I know I am a greedy Omega, hoping to get an Alpha and a Beta under my Christmas tree from Santa, but I can’t stop myself from putting them on my list.
SEVENTEEN
